XMen: EvoSwitched! Season 1, Part 1
by Peachy Lime Daiquiri
Summary: Parody of XME itself, with the characters completely switched up. Meet the team: Bobby, the redeyed fearless leader, Jubilee, the ultrapopular perfect psychic, Pietro, the fuzzy albino elf, Rogue, the gothic valley girl and Forge, the resident Sk8er Boi!
1. Strategy X Part I

Hey guys! So this is an idearr I've had for a while since I read a ficcie where someone switched around the cast of LotR. I (sadly) can't find it anymore, though. But I pushed it to the back of my mind until the other day when I was watching Season 3 on DVD, and I figured, Dude, I have 3 out of 4 seasons, why not try it? Plus, it's a little side project I have until I find my dvds. So here it is.

Oh, to keep with continuity, the person cast gets the powers of the person they're playing…due to some…invention…thing…of Forge's…yeah. Physically, they don't drastically change.

So…I give you…Season 1!

Oh, and since Tabby doesn't have a ginormous role, she's the Director for most of the episodes.

DISCLAIMER: "Look, Ross, you gotta understand, between us we haven't had a relationship that has lasted longer than a Mento. You, however have had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that is why we don't do it. I don't think that was my point."

……………

"NO!"

Forge chases Pietro around with Jamie's SaCoLiRED present in one hand. "It's not that bad," he says.

"I don't WANNA be FUZZY!"

Forge stops, sighs, and shoots a barrage of spykes around Pietro, effectively trapping him. "Kurt, could you come here?" he calls.

"It's not that bad being fuzzy, really," Kurt says to Pietro. "Whoa, what's with that freaky gun thing? It looks like the Point of View gun from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy – the movie, anyway."

"It's Jamie's SaCoLiRED present," Forge answers.

"…What?"

"Jamie's Spray a Can of Lysol in Remy's Eyes Day present," Forge explains. "The person holding the gun shoots at another person, and that person gets their mutant powers."

"Oh, I got ya," Kurt says, then grabs the gun and points it at Pietro.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

……………

**Episode I – Strategy X (Part I)**

We open with a bunch of cheerleaders waving their poms and chanting "Touchdown! Touchdown!" …yeah, doing their cheerleader thing. Whatever. (1)

Paul the Cocky Quarterback Guy – and, you know, the rest of both teams – calls out the plan. "Blue 22! Blue 22! Hut! Hut!" Instead of passing the ball, he runs down the field and leaps for a touchdown.

Jubilee (but we shall call her Jubes now) runs over with a ginormous camera and promptly blinds Paul with flashes.

"…You're not Jean," Paul says, squinting at the camera lens.

"Well, you're not Duncan, either, but I obviously don't care," Jubes says.

"Get on with your lines!" Tabby yells from her seat labeled "Director".

"So, Jubes, did you get that for the yearbook?" Paul asks cockily.

"Nope. This one's for my personal collection," Jubes says, shamelessly admitting she's a stalker.

We cut over to someone's fingers twiddling with a quarter while the Announcer Dude…um…announces, "And Paul…WTFshislastname does it again, this time with a quarterback keeper. The Bayville Hawks seem to have this one wrapped up with time running out." A pair of ruby quartz sunglasses glares as he watches Paul walking off with Jubes.

"Bobby, are you _seeing red_?" Tabby asks, at bursts into laughter.

"That's not funny," Scott says indignantly.

"You go back to your plane of nonexistence!" Tabby yells at Scott, who pouts and slinks off.

An Arbitrary Football Dude walks over to Paul. "Hey, look! Daniels's at it again."

Paul gets a creepy predatory grin on his face as we see Evan lifting someone's wallet. "Hey, Coach!" Paul calls. "Could we be excused for a second?"

The coach looks over at the scoreboard (49-17). "Yeah, whatever, just hustle back."

Paul puts on his helmet, and he and some other Arbitrary Football Dudes walk off under the bleachers.

Meanwhile, Bobby drops his coin and it slips down between the bleachers. "Aw, man. My cash!"

Edward, wearing a matching polo and slightly darker shade slacks, gives him a skeptical look. "It's just a quarter. You can't buy _anything_ with a quarter."

"It's the principle," Bobby says delicately. "You know what, I'm going down there to get it." He gets up and leaves.

"But it's muddy down there!" Edward calls. "What a loser."

Down under the bleachers, Evan is tossed on the muddy ground. "Well, if it ain't Evan Daniels picking up a little spare change," Paul says cockily.

"Hey, Paul," Evan says nervously. "Look, I can explain."

"Shut up, frog face!" Paul yells.

"Let's crush him, Paul!" an Arbitrary Football Dude says eagerly.

"Let's not," Bobby's voice cuts in. "How about we have him give the cash back? No harm done." Light flashes across his sunglasses…despite the fact that it's nighttime…and they're under bleachers…

"Yeah, yeah!" Evan agrees eagerly. "See? Here's the money."

"Whaddyou care about this scuzzo, Drake?" Paul demands.

Bobby opens his mouth and holds up a finger, thinks, then closes his mouth. "Good point," he concedes. "_But_, three against one isn't that cool."

"Well, neither's your sunglasses-at-night thing," Paul shoots back.

"Dude, I can take my sunglasses off anytime I want," Bobby said, and proceeds to take off his sunglasses.

Jubes comes running up as Evan and the Arbitrary Football Dudes (wisely) head for the hills. "Bobby, don't!"

Too late.

So, Paul gets blasted by an…optic…blast, and the blast continues on to hit a propane tank. Kabloosh!

Okay, so it probably doesn't make a Kabloosh sound, since the "bloosh" suggests that there's a wet and/or squishy element…ya know, like if a body falls off the roof of a house. So the sound is probably more like Kabam!

Jubes has a confused look on her face. "So…do we call you Iceman or Cyclops?"

ATTENTION! This is the only time I'll do the opening credits, well, until the third season, cuz they change the opening credits.

The XME theme song starts up while the DR doors open to reveal Rogue, Pietro, Wanda, Forge, Bobby, and Jubes…also known as the X-Men!

There's a quick shot of the X-Men running out of the X-Mansion in full uniform, and then Alex, Ray, Remy, and Evan (aka the Brotherhood) running forward, and then Magsy putting on the old Cerebro headgear.

The name "Iceman" optic blasts itself onto the screen while Bobby (wearing a ruby quartz visor) jumps down form a hole in the ceiling and shoots off a blast-

"Oh, so we call them their old codenames," Jubes says. "This is so confusing."

"You are _interrupting_ the opening credits," Tabby hisses.

-The name "Jubilee" brainwaves itself onto the screen while there's a shot of Jubes writing absolutely nothing on a paper, then flirting with Bobby, then Alex throwing a crate at her and her blocking it with her telekinesis.

Ray runs by at super speed, then turns and points a finger at Forge while the name "Forge" spykes itself onto the screen. Then there's a quick shot of Forge demonstrating his new Mad Sk8erboi Skillz, then Mastermind picking Forge up and Forge developing some spykes…well, that looks odd.

Kurt slashes his way onscreen-

"So, I have two fingers but three claws," Kurt says, peering at his new claws. "I CAN FINALLY FLIP PEOPLE OFF!"

-while the name "Nightcrawler" does the exact same thing. Then there's a shot of Ororo's angry glowing eyes. Then-

"OH GOD!"

"Oh, get over it, ya big sissy," Tabby says airily to whoever just OH GOD-ed (pick anyone, whoever sounds funniest saying it).

-Mystique flies in through the open doors and looks around while the name "Mystique" lightnings itself onto the screen.

Wanda turns around in a hairflip (à la Charlie's Angels) while the name "Scarlet Witch" blitzes itself onto the screen, then touches an unconscious Bobby's forehead and shoots out an optic blast.

Rogue flies through a wall while "Rogue" ghosts itself onscreen, then walks back out and runs off.

Pietro ports himself out of the X-Jet while "Quicksilver" ports itself onto the screen, then dances on a table until Bobby yanks him off by the tail (albino white and fuzzy, since the Evo!Kurt looks hairless anyway), then ports away…

And drops in to land next to Magsy sitting moodily in a wheelchair while Bobby, Jubes, Kurt, Rogue, Forge, Wanda, and Mystique turn to pose in front of the camera.

THE NEW TOTALLY SWITCHED UP X-MEN: EVOLUTION! (2)

"Strategy X" flashes on the screen briefly while Magsy's car drives by and he stares out as the window rolls down.

The camera cuts back to under the bleachers, where Jubes has found Bobby's ruby quartz glasses. "It's too hot to touch, at least with my hands," she says, and TKs a burnt piece of wood off of the glasses and TKs them up to her.

Bobby, meanwhile, is sitting alone and looking like a poor kicked puppy…AWWWWWW! "You okay?" Jubes asks, putting his glasses on him.

"Jubes!" Bobby exclaims. "…You look weird all red."

"Thanks, I look weird," Jubes says tartly.

"Oh, no, I didn't mean it that way," Bobby says quickly.

"Face it, Bobby," Tabby cuts in while munching on a powdered donut, "You suck at ad-libbing."

"Fine," Bobby huffs, and walks off sulkily.

Paul, meanwhile, is being inspected by a med dude. "Concussion," the med dude says. "He's been hit hard."

The cop dude looks at the fire. "Looks to me like…"

The camera cuts to Magsy, who is glaring fiercely…at a spoon. "There is no spoon, there is no spoon," he mumbles.

Mystique turns around from the driver's seat. "Buckethead," she says. "You're not Buckethead anymore…which is actually a major improvement."

Magsy puts the spoon down and scowls at her, then glares at the cop. "Must've been a leak in that propane tank," the cop says dully.

Jubes runs over to Paul. "Paul, are you alright?"

Paul grins weakly at her. "Yeah, you know me. Skull like concrete," he says cheerfully, and taps himself on the head. "Ow."

"Oh, you poor baby," Jubes coos.

Paul flinches. "Please don't do that."

The camera pans away to Bobby, who is leaning moodily against the bleachers. Evan walks up to him. "Hey, thanks, man. Really."

Bobby, ever the angsty unrequited lover, turns and stalks off. "Whatever."

Evan squats down, looking slightly unhappy. Then he whips his tongue out and snags a fly.

"Ewwwww," Ororo cringes.

"Go back to your plane of nonexistence!" Tabby yells at her.

"Things are under control," Magsy says to Mystique. "We better hurry, though. We have a train to catch."

We cut to the Bayville train station, where Mystique and Magsy are waiting and looking around arbitrarily. "Pietro?" Mystique asks as a boy with two dufflebags gets off the train, glares at them, then walks off.

"That's not Pietro," Magsy says. "This is." He points at a hooded figure holding two dufflebags. "I do NOT like being fuzzy!" Pietro pouts.

"Deal with it, _bub_," Kurt says airily, then hops on a motorcycle and heads on down to a convenience store in…some…place. He pulls off a glove at looks at a newspaper. "Trouble at home," he notes.

"You want that paper?" the Arbitrary Convenience Store Dude asks.

"That's why I'm holding it," Kurt says, snatching it up. "Bottle of water, too. Cold."

"Warm weather we're having for this time of year," the ACSD says while getting a glass (?) bottle of water out of the fridge behind him.

There's a –snikt- noise, and the ACSD watches in confusion as the top of the bottle lands on the counter and Kurt chugs the water. "Recycle that, _ja_?" Kurt asks, and walks out.

We pan away from Kurt to a shot of Mastermind peering at him from far away.

Back at the Institute, Bobby pounds on the girls bathroom. "Give it up, Jubes, it's hopeless!"

"I'll be done in a second," Jubes says while brushing her hair and TKing a handmirror around her.

"Look, do you want me to blow this door…down?" Bobby asks as the door opens and Jubes comes out.

"Chin check!" she yells while knuckling his chin. "Come on, let's go!"

Bobby rubs his chin and follows. "That hurt!" he complains. "We're heading out, Prof-Man," he calls down the hall as he and Jubes, well, head out.

"Just a moment, you two," Magsy says. "Come here. I'd like you to meet someone."

Bobby and Jubes warily approach the hooded figure. "This is Pietro Maximoff. He arrived late last night."

"Hey, Pietro," Bobby says while Jubes waves chipperly. "This is Jubes. I'm Bobby. How you doing?"

Joey Tribbiani walks in. "That's my line!" he yells, and walks back out. (3)

"Hello," Pietro says, and shakes Bobby's hand.

"Whoa, dude, you're fuzzy," Bobby says.

"Yeah, I know!" Pietro snaps.

"And…you have a tail," Jubes notes.

"I know!"

"At least you still have all four fingers," Tabby puts in helpfully.

"Not helping," Pietro hisses.

"I was just telling Pietro how I set up this institute for gifted youngsters," Magsy cuts in. "Youngsters whose gifts are not always an asset. Right, Bobby?"

Bobby flinches. "So you heard about last night."

"Well, I _am_ psychic," Magsy says. "And I still have all my hair!"

Tabby coughs.

"Oh yeah, and be more careful," Magsy adds sternly.

"Come on, Prof-Man! I'm packing a bazooka behind each eyeball!" Bobby says, pointing at his eyeballs. "What do you want from me?"

"Control, Bobby," Magsy says. "That's what you're here to learn. That's why you're all here."

"…I thought we were here to learn how to kick ass," Jubes says.

"That too," Magsy agrees. "Bobby's eyes emit a destructive optic blast beam," he explains to Pietro.

Pietro takes off his hood, revealing his now-pointy ears. "Cool," he says, revealing his now extra-pointy canines.

"How about you, Pietro?" Jubes asks. "Got a special gift that brought you here?"

In answer, Pietro teleports to the other side of the room. "You know, I could have gotten there just as fast the old-fashioned way," he notes disdainfully.

……………

(1) – I'm not hating on cheerleaders. I am one, in fact. But, I am football illiterate. Do forgive me.

(2) – I think you can tell why I'm only doing that once. It took a whole page!

(3) – Joey Tribbiani is from the TV show **Friends** (which I love). His famous pick-up line is, "How _you_ doin'?"

Yeah, I split the eppie into two chappies because it was getting kinda long. So…yeah.

One more thing. The switched cast is pretty much locked down. Only a few are direct switches (ie Xavier and ol' Buckethead, Ororo and Mystique), the rest were traded around like insanity for a good half hour of A Knight's Tale. However, if there is a character you must _absolutely_ have as certain person, mention it in your review, and I'll see what I can do.


	2. Strategy X Part II

Oh, this ficcie only covers Strategy X through Middleverse. Why? Because I'm splitting up the chappies, so Part 2'll have Turn of the Rogue through The Cauldron. Yeah.

**!WARNING!** This ficcie features Evan, Scott, and Jean-bashing. Most likely. They're prime suspects. Sorry about the belated warning, I forgot to put it in the first chappie and it wouldn't fit in the summary.

Heads up: No geese were harmed in the making of this chapter. Confused? Just read, you'll understand later.

And, as requested, here's the cast list for Strategy X:

Duncan Matthews – Paul WTFshislastname

Jean Grey – Jubes Lee

Scott Summers – Bobby Drake

Paul WTFshislastname – Edward Kelly

Todd Tolansky – Evan Daniels

Professor Charles Xavier – Eric Lensherr

Ororo Munroe – Mystique

Kurt Wagner – Pietro Maximoff

Logan – Kurt Wagner

Director – Tabby

Tabby is always the director. Until Season 2, at least.

DISCLAIMER: "No, I'm a positive person. You're like Santa Claus…on Prozac…in Disney Land…getting laid."

**Episode I: Strategy X (Part II)**

The next day at school, we find Evan sitting in front of the principal's office, moodily shuffling his feet.

The door opens to reveal a woman with pale-ish skin, brown hair, and glasses. "Mr. Daniels?" she asks.

"Yes, Auntie O?" Evan responds, and she thwacks him on the head.

Evan reluctantly gets up and goes inside, while Ororo runs to open a window. "Now, Spyke, shall we talk about your new friend, Bobby Drake?"

Evan picks his ear, and Ororo thwacks him on the head again. "Ow! Well, he's cool. Heck, if it wasn't for him, them jocks would've stomped my skull flat."

"Yes," Ororo says a tad disappointedly. "Well, Drake, as you've noticed, has special powers. There are others like him. We need to know more. Much more."

"Look," Evan says. "I don't wanna-"

"Silence!" Ororo's voice, now all freaky evilness. "You'll do as you're told! Understand!"

"Yes, ma'am!" Evan squeaks.

Ororo turns back into herself and grins. "I could get used to this shape-changing thing."

At the Institute, Pietro wanders around in shock at his new bedroom. "Whoa," he says. "This bedroom…is mine?"

Magsy chuckles and grins, then flinches at his chuckle. "Of course, Pietro. That's why your parents sent you to us."

"You mean, my foster parents sent me back to my original parent," Pietro counters.

"Get _over_ it already!" Magsy snaps. "Anyway, your…whatevers…knew you'd be happy here."

"Happy?" Pietro demands. "How can I be happy when I look like this? I scare people."

"Well, you're not blue," Mystique adds, taking a stab at being helpful.

"Not helping," Pietro and Magsy say in unison.

"I have a surprise for you, Pietro," Magsy says. "Put this on."

Pietro puts it on, and he turns back to the Pietro he usually looks like – so basically, all that happens is that he loses the pointy ears and tail, and his feet are normal. "…I'm still fuzzy."

"It's an _image_ inducer," Magsy says. "It just changes what you look like, so shut up and deal with it."

The next day at school, Evan corners Bobby at his locker. "Yo, Drake," he says, and flips up onto the top of the lockers. "What's up?"

Bobby scans the completely empty halls. "That's quite a jump."

"Like it?" Evan asks. "Surprised you could see it through them smokies of yours. Here, let me help." His tongue whips out and grabs Bobby's glasses.

"Hey! Give 'em back!" Bobby yells.

"Afraid to open your eyes?" Evan taunts.

"No, not really," Bobby says. "But we actually need you later."

Evan tongue-flicks the glasses back to Bobby. "As you can se, we both got something in common."

"Yeah," Bobby says, wiping the slime of his glasses. "Now we're both slimy."

"No, I mean, we ain't like other people," Evan corrects, hopping off the lockers.

"And your point is…?"

"I just wanna talk. Get to know each other. Maybe…" He slurps up Bobby's entire lunch bag. "Do lunch."

"Ewwwwwww," Bobby says.

Tabby coughs.

"I mean, I'll think about it," Bobby says quickly, walking off.

"Sure. You think about it, Drake," Evan says. "I got other stuff to do." And he hops out the window.

Back at the Institute, Magsy is sitting in his study reading a book when the picture frame on the wall lights up. "Ugh, how tacky," he says, but reluctantly wheels over and opens up Cerebro, where a little dot is blinking in Bayville High.

The phone rings, and Magsy hits the speakerphone. "Hello, Bobby."

"Man, Prof-Man," Bobby says. "You know it always weirds me out when you do that."

"Don't care," Magsy says airily. "What are you calling about?"

"One of the students here, he's kinda like us."

"Yes, Evan Daniels," Magsy says.

"You know him?" Bobby asks.

"And hate him," Magsy says. Tabby coughs. "I mean, Cerebro just got a reading…I refuse to put on that dorky headgear."

"Like you can talk?" Tabby demands.

Bobby continues talking. "He's not the kind of guy I'd like to share a room with. To put it bluntly, he's got the personal hygiene of a dead pig."

"We can't turn our backs on anyone, Bobby…even though I'd love to," Magsy says.

"Yeah, I know," Bobby says reluctantly. "So should I bring him in?"

"No need," Magsy says. "I'll speak with you later."

Pietro walks up. "What's that thing, Prof-Dad?"

Magsy flinches. "Please don't call me that. And this thing is Cerebro. It detects the manifestation of special powers. That's how I found you."

Pietro glances at the screen, where Evan is peering straight at it. "So…this guy is one of us? Please say no!"

"That remains to be seen," Magsy says while the camera cuts to Mystique and her greenhouse. "Mystique?"

"Yes, Prof-Bucket?" Mystique asks while sending a little raincloud over all her plants.

"I wonder if you could audition someone for me."

Later that night, Evan hops over the fence into the Institute and heads into the grounds.

Mystique opens the glass doors to her balcony and launches into the sky. "I am _really_ hating flying in this outfit," she complains.

"Deal with it, because I don't care," Tabby says while giving herself a manicure. "You picked that outfit after your mondo-mutation."

"Yeah, not for flying!"

Evan hops around the grounds until a shadow passes over him. He looks up to see Mystique fly by, followed by a massive raincloud dumping water on him. "Now that is just freaky," he comments. Then a lightning bolt strikes hear him and he heads for the X-Mansion.

Mystique follows, sending lightning bolts after him. "This is a lot of fun!" she says with a grin.

"I'm glad you're happy," Tabby says while admiring a nail.

In the X-Mansion, Pietro walks down the stairs, kinda weirded out by the random lightning storm. The doors blow open, and Pietro is hit by a gust of wind…then a rather froggy Evan Daniels.

"Whoa, what are you?" Evan demands. "Some kind of albino plush toy?"

Pietro sniffs and holds his nose. "The names Quicksilver, and at least I don't reek like unwashed _lederhosen_."

"You white-furred freak!" Evan snarls.

"You don't even know what _lederhosen_ means," Pietro says.

"Neither do you," Evan points out.

"True," Pietro concedes, and Evan leaps at him.

Pietro ports away and reappears on the chandelier. "As you say in America: I'll beat yoah ass, -CENSORED-!" (He didn't sound gangsta at all, either.) He jumps off down a hallway, and Evan follows him.

Mystique flies in. "Daniels could be one of us," Magsy says to her.

"Sometimes, I think your good heart blinds even you from the truth," Mystique says.

Meanwhile, Evan is still chasing Pietro down the hallway (and destroying it in the process). "I'm gonna rip your tail off, you fuzzy gecko!"

Pietro and Evan wind up back in the front of the mansion, where Magsy and Mystique are watching. "This test is over!" Magsy yells at them. "Evan Daniels does have the special gift of the X-gene. He is welcome to join us if he so desires."

"Only thing I _desire_ is albino boy's fuzzy head," Evan says, and leaps at Evan, pulling him off the chandelier and plummeting toward the ground. Right before they hit it, they teleport off somewhere else.

Aka the Danger Room.

"Where are we?" Pietro asks, looking around.

"You asking me?" Evan demands. "You brought us here."

Pietro points at the guns emerging from the walls. "I think I'm going to regret it!"

We cut to the hallway, where Bobby is putting on his X-Shoes. "Bobby! Jubes! Quicksilver and Spyke have teleported into the Danger Room!"

"Oh, man! The Danger Room has automated defenses!" Bobby exclaims with an attempt at worried-ness.

"It'll attack them with everything it's got!" Jubes exclaims just as attempted worriedly.

"Get in there now!" Magsy orders.

Back in the DR, Pietro and Evan are on the run from the guns. "_Blitzkrieg!_" Pietro yells. (1)

Bobby and Jubes run in. "I've got the cannons," Bobby says. "Keep them clear of the tentacles."

"On it!" Jubes says, and they run off, saving Pietro and Evan's respective behinds.

Magsy and Mystique walk into the control room – well, Magsy wheels into the control room. "Security override: Priority X," Magsy says, shutting down the DR. "Voiceprint: Eric Lensherr."

The computer makes a coughing noise.

"…Buckethead," Magsy finishes reluctantly.

"Confirmed. Shut down in five seconds," the computer says smugly.

"Now I get it," Pietro says. "It's a training area. Watch." He ports out of Jeans TK grasp and over to a cannon. "I just pull the plug and-SHIT!"

The cannons starts shooting randomly and pretty much spazzing until Mystique zaps with a lightning bolt. "I am _really_ liking this weather thing," she says happily.

"Forget this, man," Evan says. "I've seen enough. I'm outta here."

"Daniels!" Bobby calls halfheartedly after him. "Aw, gee-whiz, Prof-Man. I couldn't stop him. Gosh." He snaps his fingers.

"I'm glad you didn't," Magsy says with a sage nod. "He's _soooo_ not one of us."

"I blew it too, Prof-Dad," Pietro says unhappily. "I'm sorry. You've been wonderful. But I guess I…I just don't belong here!" he exclaims angstily, and ports off.

"…Okay, that had _nothing_ to do with how I raised him," Magsy says. "Just to clear things up."

"Sure, Prof-Bucket," Mystique says to him.

"Hey, you raised yours a lot worse!" Magsy snaps.

"Yeah, but I admit that," she counters.

"Okay, we get it," Bobby cuts in. "Powerful mutants are crappy parents. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta talk to your angsty son."

"But Kurt's not in an angsty mood," Mystique says. "…Yet…"

"No, Prof-Man's angsty son," Bobby says, and leaves.

Outside, Evan bursts through a window (not breaking it, for once) and tumbles to a halt in front of Mystique's currently-not-angsty son…who snikts out his new claws. "Going somewhere, _bub_?"

"No, Kurt," Magsy says sternly. "Let him go."

"Aw, but-"

"No."

"But-"

"We need him later," Magsy says grumpily.

Kurt pouts, but lets Evan leap past him. "I came back because I smelled trouble brewing. 'Course, coulda just been stink boy there."

"I wish it was," Magsy says. "Welcome home, old friend. We've missed you."

Meanwhile, Pietro has ported into the X-Hangar and found himself in front of the X-Jet. "WTF is that?"

"The SR-77 Blackbird," Bobby says, walking in. Twice as fast as the SR-71 and with three times the range and firepower. Nice, huh?"

"Wasn't the SR-71 a surveillance craft, and therefore unarmed?" Pietro asks. (2)

"…I said it was _three times_ that much," Bobby says.

"Which would still be zero," Pietro points out.

"What, are you some sort of math teacher now?" Bobby demands.

"You're the one not making sense!" Pietro says.

"…Your dad!"

"…Good point," Pietro agrees. "So, is this yours? Please tell me you get to fly it."

"It's ours," Bobby says. "If you stick around for a while, I'll show you how to pilot this bad boy."

"…_You're_ gonna show me how to pilot that?" Pietro asks disbelievingly.

"Actually, he's not even allowed to ride shotgun," Jubes says as she walks in.

"You mean co-pilot?" Pietro asks.

"No, shotgun," Jubes says.

There's a flashback of Jubes learning to pilot the X-Jet, with Mystique as the co-pilot and Bobby in that little hole-in-the-ceiling, holding a shotgun.

"You're doing a good job," Mystique says approvingly to Jubes.

"There's a flock of goosi heading toward us," Bobby calls.

"Just leave the geese be, Bobby," Mystique calls back.

"They're coming at us!" Bobby yells. "I'll shoot them out of the way!"

"NO!" Jubes and Mystique yell in unison…right before a dead goose plops down from five feet above them and plasters itself on the windshield.

Mystique glares at Bobby, who shrugs. "Hehe…oops?"

"That poor goose," Jubes says as the flashback fades away. "But anyway, I can show you how pilot it. So, you wanna be part of our team?"

"Me?" Pietro asks. "I almost got Bobby killed a few minutes ago."

"Yeah, don't do that again," Bobby says. "But look, we all mess up sometimes. That's why we're here, to learn not to make mistakes like that."

"That's why we'd like you to stay," Jubes says. "And not be so angsty, because it's really bumming us out."

"Okay!" Pietro agrees cheerily.

"Rock on!" Bobby says, high-fiving him. "Come on, I'll show you where they hide the beer – Root…Beer. Yeah, where they hide the…soda."

"Nice save," Jubes says.

"Really?" Bobby asks eagerly.

"NO!"

The next day at school, Ororo is pretty mad. "I can't believe this!" she yells at Evan. "You were actually inside and you _ran away_!"

"Hey, I freaked," Evan says. "So sue me. I did what I could."

"And no doubt the good Prof-Magnet wiped your mind so you can't remember anything!" Ororo yells.

Evan shakes his head.

"Get out!" Ororo yells, and Evan hops out the open door.

Ororo screams in frustration, morphing back into her dark-skinned, blue-eyed, white-haired self.

"Do not be so hard on the boy, Storm," Xavier's voice says. "We don't want to thin our ranks, now, do we?"

"No, Papa Cueball," Ororo says. "I'll be more careful."

"Mind you are," Xavier says while paperclips do figure eights on her desk. "Remember, this is only the beginning."

"Bum bum bummmm!" Tabby says dramatically. "And that's a wrap!"

"Thank god!" Evan yells.

"…For the first episode," Tabby finishes. "We've got 51 more episodes to go!"

"CRAP!" Evan yells.

"Well, more like 42," Tabby amends. "Since Season 4 isn't out on DVD yet."

"Like I said before…CRAP!"

……………

(1) – Blitzkrieg, also known as a blitz, is when you attack someone with everything you've got. It's how Germany took over Poland in WWII, and it kinda makes sense Pie's screaming that, seeing as his daddy's from Poland. And, you know, Kurt's German, and all.

(2) – It is, in fact. Don't trust me? Look it up on Wikipedia. I actually saw that on IMDb, and decided to look it up to see if it was true. I know. I have too much time on my hands.

And that's it for eppie 1! Next chappie, we meet our new Kitty! I think you can guess who she is, since I wrote out the opening credits.

Oh, by the by, I need a Mafia name for Bobby. Don't ask, it's for a future running gag. So…help me out?

While I'm asking for names, anyone good at naming bands? Cuz in a ficcie I'm working on (it's coming along nicely, although nowhere near halfway done, so I'm not posting it yet), Remy, John, and Piotr are in a band, and I need a name for them. Badly. ANY suggestions are welcome, even something like The Bubble Pink Gophers. Anything!


	3. The XImpulse Part I

Thank you to everyone for the coolio band names/Bobby Mafia names! If anyone else has any, feel free to send them in.

The Cast!

Kitty Pryde – Rogue

Mr. Pryde – Roberto DaCosta

Mrs. Pryde – Amara Aquilla

Professor Charles Xavier – Eric Lensherr

Kurt Wagner – Pietro Maximoff

Mystique – Ororo Munroe

Scott Summers – Bobby Drake

Jean Grey – Jubes Lee

Lance Alvers – Remy LeBeau

Logan – Kurt Wagner

Sabertooth – Jason Wyngarde

DISCLAIMER: "I saw my advantage, and I took it. That's what heroes do."

"Hey! Whah am Ah in Illinois?" Rogue demands, glancing around her bedroom.

"Because that's like, where I'm from," Kitty says innocently.

"Kitty, go back to your plane of nonexistence!" Tabby yells, and Kitty walks off huffily.

"Whah do Ah have to have a nahtmare?" Rogue demands.

"Because…you just do," Tabby says sagely. "Now quit whining!"

……………

**Episode II: The X-Impulse (Part I)**

We open in, well, a house in Illinois. More importantly, Rogue's bedroom. And, of course, she's having one of those OMG-I'm-flying dreams.

Well, until she starts falling.

Right through the bed and floor and straight into the basement!

"Hey, Ah have a basement," Rogue notes. "Cool." (1)

Then she realizes something: "Wait, Ah doan sleep in the basement."

Roberto and Amara come running down into the basement. "What happened?" Roberto asks. "Were you sleepwalking? …Why are we your parents?"

Tabby shrugs. "Because you wandered out of your plane of nonexistence."

Rogue, Amara, and Roberto look at each other, shrug, and continue. "No, Ah fell. Ah just – Ah fell through tha ceilin'." She starts sobbing.

"You're a good actress," Amara says, impressed.

Rogue looks up. "Ah know," she says smugly, and continues sobbing into Roberto's shoulder.

Back at the Institute, Cerebro has gone on alert. "Discovery," Cerebro says. "Mutant signature. The second detection in this vicinity."

Rogue's head shoots up. "Wait. Who's Lance?"

"…You don't wanna know," Tabby says. "And get back to Illinois!"

Rogue huffs, but vanishes back to Illinois.

"Extrapolation complete," Cerebro says. "Identity confirmed. Name: Rogue. Residence: Northbrook. Age: 15."

"Ah am _not_ 15!" Rogue squalls.

Tabby holds out a hand to Forge. "Gun," she orders, and he slaps a laserish gun into her hand. After flapping a hand at him to go back to his plane of nonexistence, she shoots Rogue with it, de-aging her to 15. "Now you are. And _go back to Illinois!_"

Back in Illinois, Amara is attempting to comfort Rogue. "I'm sure it was just a nightmare."

Roberto looks up at the ceiling. "I don't think so." They all look up to see a blanket and pillow halfway phased through the ceiling.

This freaks Rogue out even more. "What am Ah? What's happenin' ta meh?"

In the X-Mansion, Magsy takes off the Cerebro headgear. "Prep the Blackbird."

THE NEW TOTALLY SWITCHED UP X-MEN: EVOLUTION!

At Bayville High, Pietro is late for school…again. "Crap! Late again!" he says, glancing at his watch. "…I hate going so _slow_!"

"Deal with it," Tabby says airily.

Pietro stuffs the rest of the gut bomb into his mouth and ports just outside the school building. He turns around to see…

"GAH!" Pietro yells. "Um, I mean…hello, Miss Munroe."

Ororo grabs Pietro's wrist and glances at his watch. "Watch isn't slow. Must be you." She grins. "I like being evil."

"Don't we all?" Tabby asked. "Except maybe Scott."

"Another tardy, Mr. Maximoff, and I'm enrolling you in my after-school group," Ororo threatens.

The door opens, and Bobby walks over to Pietro. "Hey, light a fire under it," he says. "Your teach sent me to look for you. Miss Munroe," he nods and Ororo and pulls Pietro off. "Stopped off for another breakfast burger gut bomb, huh?"

"What can I say?" Pietro says. "It's an addiction."

In Illinois, Rogue is in the process of sneaking out of her house. She gets as far as the door when…

"Dear?" Amara asks. "I thought we agreed you were staying home today."

Rogue whirls around. "Yeah, well, what's tha point? Y'all doan wanna talk about it. And Ah'll totally go crazy sittin' around here! …Ah just said totally."

Further inside the house, Roberto is crashing around and looking for Rogue. "Do you really have to make that much noise?" Tabby asks.

"No, but it's fun," Roberto says stubbornly.

"Please, Mom," Rogue pleads. "Dad'll make me stay."

"…That sounds weird," Amara says. "Don't call me Mom."

Roberto sticks his head in. "Tell me about it."

Amara turns back to talk to Rogue. "Fine, you can go." Rogue salutes her, then turns and runs off to school.

"…Whah am Ah so happy ta go ta school?"

"Because if you didn't, you'd get cabin fever," Tabby said.

Meanwhile, Jubes and Magsy are flying to Illinois. "Why just me?" Jubes asks. "Why not all of us?"

"Because you're the one who can connect with this girl," Magsy replies. "That, and Bobby would scare her away before we could even say hello."

"But what about the other kid Cerebro spied out?" Jubes asks. "The one in the foster home."

"Yes," Magsy says. "Remy LeBeau." (2)

"WHAT!" Rogue squawks. Everyone ignores her.

"Let me worry about that," Magsy continues. "I'd like you to focus on Rogue's parents. Remember, you're a model of what we're offering them. No pressure."

Jubes laughs. "And to think I passed up a nice, relaxing midterm for this."

At Rogue's house, Amara is (obviously) confused. "What are you talking about?" she demands. "How do you know Rogue?"

"Please, may we come in for a moment?" Jubes asks. "We'll answer any of your questions and any-"

Roberto interrupts rudely. "Excuse me, miss. You can talk to us out here."

"Why you insubordinate little-" Magsy snarls, throwing a spoon at him.

It bounces off his forehead. "…What the hell was that?" Tabby asks.

"Prof-Man," Jubes says, "You can't manipulate metal anymore. He's having letting go issues," she adds in a whisper to Roberto and Amara.

"I think you know that Rogue is going through a very unique transition," Magsy says. "We simply want to help her through it. Why don't you tell us about last night?"

"Last night is none of your business!" Roberto yells. "Please, just leave us alone." They walk back inside the house and slam the door.

Jubes snaps her gum. "Rude much? Next time, we should just call and get hung up on. Less hassle."

Magsy ignores her. "You'll need to make contact with Rogue directly, at her school."

Back at the Institute, Kurt is cleaning his bike when he hears another motorcycle gunning by. "Mastermind," he growls from his spot on the roof – despite the fact that he was on the ground approximately 2.5 seconds ago.

Mastermind, riding down a road, sniffs at the air. "Nightcrawler." And he guns down toward the city.

Kurt is now in a dark garage, as he gears up in his X-Men costume, then somehow ends up back outside on his bike, and speeds off past Bobby and Pietro.

"What's up with Kurt?" Pietro asks.

"Whoa, that man is packing some serious attitude," Bobby says.

"Well, he was pretty angsty to begin with," Pietro points out. "Wanna follow him?"

"Let's go!" Bobby agrees, and they run off to the garage to pick their method of transportation.

"Should we take the X-Van?" Pietro suggests.

"A lower profile, I think," Bobby says, hopping into his red convertible. "You coming?"

Pietro hesitates. "You're driving?"

Bobby rolls his eyes. "I _can_ drive," he says.

"Right," Pietro says uneasily as he ports into the passenger seat. "You just can't ride shotgun."

"Hey, those goosi are out to get me!"

In Illinois, Rogue's busy angsting about the whole falling-through-the-ceiling ordeal, and so of course barely notices when the bell rings and instead opens her locker.

Taryn and Risty, the residential Plastics (3) –

"Hey, why are we the Plastics?" Taryn demands.

Risty turns into Ororo. "Because being a bitch is fun." And she morphs back into Risty.

"Besides, Taryn, you are _sooo_ a Plastic," Tabby adds. "And it's your fault for wandering out of your plane of nonexistence!"

Risty nudges Taryn. "Hey, Taryn, check out the Rogue Pity Party," she says, jerking her thumb at spacing-out-in-her-own-little-world Rogue.

"Dreading PE, no doubt," Taryn says. "Probably the only class she's not acing."

"Let's give her some time off," Risty suggests.

The two proceed to shove Rogue in her locker and slam the door on her. "World closing in on you, Rogue?" Risty taunts, and they run off, laughing like the Plastic biyatches they are.

Rogue pounds on the inside of her locker. "Hey! Let meh out, ya (censored because Jamie has wandered away from his plane of nonexistence)! Somebody open this (see aforementioned censor) door!"

Meanwhile, Remy has crept out of the boy's bathroom with a can of spray paint and proceeds to spray a line of red paint on the lockers.

"That's so original," Tabby says sarcastically.

"Shut up!" Lance snaps.

"Go back to your plane of nonexistence!" Tabby snaps back. "Don't make me stick you in an airplane," she adds threateningly.

Lance eeps and runs back to his plane of nonexistence.

Inside her locker, Rogue hears the spraying and pounds on her door harder. "Let meh ou-" And she pounds right through the locker.

And right onto Remy.

"Hey, you see what-?" Remy begins, then stops, grabbing at his throat.

"Oh, the Authoress was watching Season 3 and realized that your accent is, while not entirely nonexistent, not nearly strong enough to affect spelling or grammar, like Rogue's," Tabby explains cheerily. "Forgot to tell you."

Remy frowns, but continues. "You see what you just did?" he asks Rogue.

"What?" Rogue says. "Ah…Ah just fell out."

Remy stands up with a goofy grin on his face – made even more goofy by the stripe of paint across his nose and cheeks. "Yeah, right through the door! That is so cool!"

"Yoah crazy!" Rogue says, and proceeds to run away.

Remy grabs her by the wrist. "I'm the one guy here who gets the beauty of it. 'Cause you're just like me. Really!" Rogue glares at him skeptically. "Fine. Watch this." And his eyes go all rolling-back-into-his-head-y as the ground shakes and all the lockers bang open. "Getting the picture?"

"No!" Rogue says. "Yoah just some freak. Leave meh alone!" She runs off.

"You can run, but you can't hide, because…" Remy stops. "Please don't make me say it. Please don't."

"It hurts all of us," Tabby says, "But you have to say it."

Remy winces, but finishes. "Because I'm gonna rock your world."

Everyone shudders.

In PE, Risty and Taryn are stretching when Taryn notices Rogue running over…in sweats…despite the fact that everyone else is wearing a PE uniform…

"Hey, Risty," Taryn says. "Check who got out."

"Rogue, you're late," Jamie the PE teacher says sternly.

"Sorry, Coach," (4) Rogue says. "Ah was having trouble with mah locker." She glares at Risty and Taryn.

"All right, you three, to the long jump," Jamie says. "Rogue, you're tardy, so you're first."

On the roof of the school, John and Ray (who, unlike most people who walked out of their plane of nonexistence, _fell_ out of theirs) run over to what looks like a potential roof entrance. Ray taps it while John walks around, then elbows John in the knee. "Shut up with the clodding around!"

"Stow it, Crisp," John says, elbowing him back. "Can we bust in through here or not?"

"Not," Ray says. "It's wired into the alarm system."

"Well, now what, LeBeau?" John asks Remy, who is watching PE class. "We got no way into this stinking office and midterms start in the morning."

"Yeah, and exam answers aren't exactly gonna fetch a prime price after the test," Ray points out. "Can't you just, you know, make a door?"

"Sure, and have them know we were in?" Remy demands. "They'll change the tests! I got a sweeter idea. Her." He nods at Rogue.

"What, are you gonna have her long jump through the wall?" Ray asks. "Come on, get serious!"

Remy grabs him by the wrist (he seems to like doing that to people). "You riding me, Crisp? Huh? Are you?" The ground starts shaking.

"Actually," John pipes up. "On Never Have I Ever Night, I remember the two of you getting incredibly drunk. And I remember you giving you," he points at Remy, then Ray, "a piggy-back ride through the 'stute."

Remy drops Ray's wrist. "We really don't need to bring that up again."

"Lasso miming and all," John adds. "And you were both-"

Remy claps a hand over John's mouth as the ground starts shaking even more. "Say another word about that, and I will murder Zippy, Joyce, and Delilah."

John gasps and clutches his lighters to his chest. "Not my babies!"

"You two losers just line up the customers," Remy says as the ground stops shaking. "I'll snatch the answers."

Rogue, meanwhile, has tripped and fallen into the sand, completely mutilating the thing that is the long jump.

"Take notes, Rogue," Taryn says Plastic-ly. "This is how athletes do it."

As Taryn runs down the track, Remy sends a tremor down to the sand so it flings Taryn up and over smack onto her back. (5)

Rogue glances over to the roof, where Remy waves at her like a stalker shamelessly come out of hiding. Unsurprisingly, Rogue runs away…straight into Jubes. Without even apologizing, she runs off to the theater.

Inside the theater, Rogue kicks a chair aside and attempts to sit on the edge of a table. The table, feeling rather persnickety that day, falls over, upending the bowl of fake fruit on it. Rogue attempts to catch the bowl, but it (feeling persnickety for being flung up in the air like that) phases through her hands.

"Rogue, are you alright?" Rogue jumps up to see Jubes walking down the aisle.

"That Taryn a friend of yours?" Rogue asks. "'Cause Ah had nothin' ta do with what happened in the sandpit." She takes a mask off the wall and starts fiddling with it.

"I know," Jubes says. "And I'm not Taryn's friend."

"Well, you look like you'd be her friend," Rogue says, putting the mask over her face."

"I'm insulted!" Jubes says indignantly. "But I know what's going on."

Rogue lowers the mask. "Yah doan know anythin'! And neither does that creepy guy out there!"

"Who, Remy?" Jubes asks. "Forget about him. This is about you. You and your wonderful new gift…wow, that sounded tacky."

"Ah doan have any gifts," Rogue says. "Just a curse."

"Only if you let it be…that's also tacky," Jubes replies. "I'd like to help you understand it. Together-"

"Ah doan want any of this!" Rogue interrupts. "It's hard enough just bein' normal, yah know?"

"Rogue, look. I want you to watch me for a second. Please?" She proceeds to levitate the mask out of Rogue's grip and hang it back on the Almighty Invisible Hook on the Wall.

"How'd yah do that?" Rogue demands.

"The same way you can pass through walls," Jubes says. "Just like you, one morning I woke up and I had this power. And trust me, I hated it too."

"Ah doan believe you!" Rogue says stubbornly. "This is a trick!"

"No, you do believe me. I know because of my other ability. I can read your thoughts."

"Hey, get out of mah head!" Rogue screams, and runs off.

"Rogue, wait!" Jubes calls, but is then hauled around by Remy. "Piece of advice, Yellow," he says.

"Is that in reference to my jacket or to my ethnicity?" Jubes asks.

"…No clue."

Jubes shrugs. "Whatever."

Remy shrugs and continues. "I'm the only friend that girl's gonna need. And I'll be teaching her what's what. So you just back yourself off."

"Ooh, I'm scared now," Jubes says sarcastically.

"Don't make me say a lame rock pun!" Remy threatens.

Jubes holds her hands up. "I'm good."

……………

(1) – I don't have a basement. But I live in the Bay Area of CA, where we worry more about earthquakes and floods than tornadoes.

(2) – As much as I love Kurtty, I'm trying (keyword: trying) to stick with the canon pairings (in Evo) – well, the ones that actually get screentime ie: Jott, Lancitty, Kurmanda, Romy…and that's about it. If there are others I missed (that actually get decent screentime), please let me know so I can yell "OSH!T" and try and fix it. Oh, and re: the whole Scott/Rogue unrequited crush thing…that's probably the most whack ship here now. Hey, it wasn't meant to be, so I don't feel particularly guilty about the two.

(3) – Ya know, like from **Mean Girls**.

(4) – Is my school the only place we don't call our coaches "Coach"? Seriously, we only call them by their first names.

(5) – You can get the same effect with hitting a small child as you toboggan down a hill. Make sure the child's facing the other way, though. And no, I haven't hit a small child, I was the small child hit. Did a full backflip, landed on my back, didn't hurt at all, was one of the most fun experiences of my life. Don't look at me like that. I was five at the time, okay?

Poor Remy. Poor, poor Remy. He has to say so many rock puns. Oh, and Joyce and Delilah are names I made up for Johnny-boy's lighters. Zippy is a name I got from toddfan (in one of her ficcies…**While The Adults Are Away**, I believe).

From now on, updates will more than likely be rather sporadic, since school's starting up again (and my schedule is no fun at all). I'll update when I can, but there shall be no consistent update (like every other day, or on weekends), since as soon as I get acquainted to my schedule, some club/afterschool thing/extracurricular pops up to mess it up all over again (Murphy's Law loves to bite me in the ass, I swear). Sowwies!


	4. The XImpulse Part II

Holy crap! This thing took forever to update! But you see, I'm a very stupid crazy person who decided it would be a riot to take on four AP classes junior year. My friend's doing the exact same thing, so she's just as crazy as me. Yes, go ahead and laugh. You just wait until my extracurriculars kick in, I might end up going an entire _month_ without updating.

DISCLAIMER: "Why did you have to break down the door? It wasn't locked, and I just had it painted!"

**Episode I: The X-Impulse (Part II)**

Remy catches up with Rogue at her locker and taps her on the shoulder. She whirls around immediately, ready to fight.

"Easy!" Remy says, holding his hands up. "I won't shake things up." (They both wince.) "I promise." He starts gathering her books up. "My name's Remy. We should really talk."

Rogue snatches the books from him. "Whah can' everyone just leave meh alone?" She slams her locker and starts walking off.

"You feel sick every time you think about it, don't you?" Remy calls after her. "You want it to go away. But it won't. You're afraid of what might happen. Your parents are clueless. Probably ashamed. And being alone don't help."

"What, are yah readin' mah mind, too?" Rogue demands.

"_Non!_" Remy exclaims. "But," he adds, flipping over a strip of paper, "Your lucky numbers are 9, 12, 18, and 74." (1)

Tabby coughs threateningly.

"I mean," Remy says quickly, "It's just that I've been going through it myself. You know, trying to figure it out. But I've learned how to control it. Meet me outside the office in an hour. I'll show you how."

Magsy wheels out of…some building with lots of columns, talking on the phone with Jubes. "Sounds like Remy could be trouble. If he bonds with Rogue, we may not be able to reach her."

"I agree," Jubes says. "And he _is_ reaching her."

"You have to stay with it, Jubes," Magsy says. "I don't want to lose her. Whatever obstacles get in the way, remember, they can be overcome. Magneto out." He hangs up the phone and puts it away. "Though some obstacles are more irritating that others," he adds, looking at the expanse of stairs he must now face.

In Bayville, Bobby and Pietro stop in the middle of the street (because pulling over's so overrated). "Aw, we lost him!" Pietro pouts, hitting the door panel.

"Hey, watch the door panel!" Bobby says. "They're smudge resistant, not dent resistant." The camera pans further away to reveal that they are not only stopped in the middle of the street, but also driving on the left side of it.

Pietro points to the roof of a parking garage. "There!" The camera pans up to Kurt standing in a hero lunge and glancing around. Then Mastermind rides up on his motorcycle. "Unfinished business, runt!"

"Bring it on, _Herr_ Monkey," Kurt says, snikting out his claws. "Bring it on."

"NOT A MONKEY!" (2)

Monkey Dude rides straight at Kurt, who slashes off the front wheel of his bike. Monkey Dude plummets off the edge of the roof and swings into another floor, while the bike falls straight at Pietro and Bobby. They port out of the car, and the bike totals it. "My car!" Bobby exclaims.

"No worries, you'll get a new one the next time we see it," Tabby says. "Besides, that's what you get for parking in the middle of the left side of the street."

Kurt sheathes his claws and looks around before a car is shoved through the floor underneath him, knocking him over. Monkey Dude sends another car up through the ceiling before the floor crumbles under Kurt.

Monkey Dude drives a car at Kurt, trapping him against a column. "One shall fall by the other's hand," he says. "Our destiny, we can't change it."

"I didn't know you went for that philosophy mumbo jumbo," Kurt says, struggling against the car.

"Hey, monkeyball!" Bobby calls. "I got your destiny right here!" He blasts Monkey Dude aside and into a van.

Pietro flies at Monkey Dude…and bounces right off his chest. "What kind of weakling are you?" Bobby demands.

Kurt knocks Monkey Dude into conveniently open elevator, but Monkey Dude shoves him out as the doors close. "A taste of things to come, Nightcrawler!" he calls as the elevator descends and Kurt reduces the doors to scraps.

Bobby and Pietro join him. "Ha!" Pietro says. "We showed him! We are the X-Geeks!"

"I don't fight your battles," Kurt says angrily to Pietro. "So don't fight mine." He stalks off.

"ANGST!" Tabby shrieks. "Sorry."

"Aw, he loves us," Pietro says.

"Oh, yeah," Bobby says. "Big time."

In Illinois, Remy is slouching against the wall of the school, waiting for Rogue. "So, how _do_ yah take control?" Rogue asks, walking up to him.

"By admitting something no one wants to cope to," Remy says. "That we are outsiders, and there is something wrong with us."

"…And this is why Lance should nevah evah give pep talks," Rogue mutters.

"Hey, don't fret it," Remy says. "Embrace it. The way I see it, fate dealt us winning cards…and even if fate didn't, I could win with those cards anyway."

"Not helpin'," Rogue says.

"I mean, fate dealt us winning cards…" Remy pauses for effect. "If we play them together."

"Well, nothing is making any sense," Rogue says.

"That's why I'm here," Remy says. "To light your path. And the first step leads us right into that office."

Rogue phases through the wall into the office, then runs over and opens the door for Remy. "Did yah see meh? Did yah?" she asks excitedly.

"Yeah!" Remy answers. "Wow, Rogue. How did it feel?"

Rogue jumps around, then stops when she sees Remy watching. "Yah know, Ah may not be able to knock you unconscious, but Ah can still totally kick yoah ass."

"Not to mention Kurt now has claws," Tabby adds.

Remy stares at the floor. "I'm looking at the floor, see?"

"It was totally unbelievable," Rogue continues.

"You're making it yours, Rogue," Remy says. "Once you own it, nothing can own you."

Outside the school, Roberto and Amara run up to Magsy and Jubes, who is now in her X-Geek Spandex™. "Where is she?" Roberto demands.

"She broke into the office," Jubes says.

Amara looks panicked. "She's never done anything like this before!"

"Wait, wait, wait," Jubes says. "_Rogue's_ never done anything like this before?"

Amara, Jubes, Roberto, and Magsy all glance at each other, then burst out laughing.

"Okay, okay, okay, let's go," Roberto says, half-dragging Amara up the steps.

Inside the office, Remy has finished downloading the test answers to a floppy disk. "Test answers present and accounted for," he says smugly.

Rogue watches confusedly. "That's what this was about?" she demands. "Cheating?"

"Hey, this crummy school uses these kinds of tests to keep us down, _chere_," Remy says. "Now we're Sticking It To The Man™!"

"…Yoah weird," Rogue says after a moment. "Ah'm outta here."

Remy grabs her wrist. "What is it with you and grabbing wrists?" Tabby demands to Lance. "And how did you get out of your plane of nonexistence?"

Lance shrugs.

"What are you doing?" Remy asks Rogue. "Come on, _chere_."

"Let go of my daughter!" Roberto yells, bursting into the room along with Amara and Jean. "…That sounds weird."

"Far enough, old man!" Remy says, sending a bookcase down on him.

"Old man?" Roberto demands from under the bookcase. "You're older than me! Even de-aged you're older than me!"

Rogue punches Remy. "Cut it out!"

"They're just gonna confuse you, _chere_," Remy says, grabbing her wrist…yet again. "We're outta here."

"Let go of meh!" Rogue yells.

Remy Avalanches a hole in the wall. "We're in control now," he says. "We make our own way. Come on! I'm bringing this place down!"

Jubes puts up a mental shield. "You called your gift a curse," she says to Rogue. "If you go with him, I guarantee you it will be."

"Please, Rogue, listen to her!" Amara calls frantically.

"Too late, you're with me," Remy says, pulling Rogue along by the wrist. "…Why am I being such an asshole?"

"Good question," Tabby says. "But Lance already went back to his plane of nonexistence."

Rogue phases her wrist out of Remy's grip. "Lahke, as if! …Did Ah just say that?"

"Either Kitty influence or the fact that The Authoress is watching Clueless right now," Tabby says, painting her toenails.

In a fit of pissed-off-assholeness, Remy accidentally sends part of the ceiling down on Rogue. "Oh f---!" Remy yells. "I mean sh--! I mean cr--! I mean g--------! I mean-"

"Remy, just shut up now," Tabby says resignedly. "And be glad Jamie's in his plane of nonexistence."

Magsy wheels up to the Theatre of the Arts portion of the school right as it crumbles. 'Jubes, use your powers,' he orders telepathically.

'No shit, Sherlock,' Jubes mindspeaks back. 'But what about Rogue?'

'Keep your mind clear,' Magsy orders.

'But-'

'Keep your mind clear!'

'But-'

'Clear it!'

'Fine. (gumsnap)'

Rogue, meanwhile, phases through the rubble with a more-than-slightly cross-eyed look on her face. (3) "That's it. Ah'm outta here." She grabs Jubes and Amara, who grabs Roberto, and half-drags them out through the nearest collapsed wall.

"Yes, Rogue. It is a gift," Magsy says to Rogue. "And you've used it well."

Rogue gives Amara a hug. "Mom, Ah'm so sorry. And…Daddy…" Both Rogue and Roberto flinch. "These people want ta help meh. Ah trust them."

"I know. And so do I," Roberto replies.

"Corny!" Amara coughs.

"Shut up!" Roberto hisses back.

Later, Remy stalks off away from the ruined school.

Right into Ororo. "GAH!"

"I'd say you've blown our chances at this school, haven't you?" Ororo says.

"And you are?" Remy asks rudely.

"Your new advisor," Ororo replies. "I've made an opening for you at Bayville High." Remy gets more and more creeped out. "I have much to teach you, my young Gambit."

"Who are you calling young?" Remy demands.

"Hate to break it to you, but you're a teenager again," Ororo reminds Remy.

"…D-----!"

Jamie pops out of his plane of nonexistence. "Oooh, Remy said a _bad_ word!"

"Remy!" Rogue, Ororo, and Tabby yell.

"_Merde!_" Remy yells. "I mean, s---! I mean, c---! I mean, d---! I mean, f---! I mean…" Remy gives up and RLF.

……………

(1) – In the movie **Sky High**, Warren Peace says something really deep and meaningful to Layla, and then adds, "And, your lucky numbers are…"

(2) – Mastermind really does resemble a monkey. And the line is Fang's, from **Dave the Barbarian**.

(3) – I swear, Kitty really does look like that when she phases out of it.

That's all for now, folks! By the by, does anyone know how long it takes for a broken foot to heal? Like, how long you gotta wear the cast and hobble around on crutches? Once again, it's for that ficcie I'm working on that I refuse to put up since I'm not halfway done with it yet. Yeah.

Up next, we meet our new not-so-Southern angst muffin! (Don't ask about the angst muffin, it's something I picked up from my friend.) Who's totally not into our not-so-fearless leader! What fun!


	5. Rogue Recruit Part I

Sorry it took me like uber long to update! (I love the word uber.) Like all of my extracurriculars kicked in last week, so I was like totally swamped. I've worked out my schedule at the mo (unless the dance director decides to cast me in another piece and make me stay even later on weekdays, UBER GAH), so I've time allotted for everything except more than 5-6 hours of sleep per day (minus weekends). That's kind of bad, isn't it?

On the bright side, I get to do a routine choreographed by Alan from Season 1 of So You Think You Can Dance (my coach and him are buds). He's really tall in real life! Although that could just be because I'm just under 5'.

Oh, and I must make a quick shout-out to Skysong: HA! I skipped a grade! I'm just as young as you! Actually, it sort of depends on what month and day you were born it, but the point is, we were born in the same year (lest I be mistaken for someone older and wiser than I actually am). Oh, and I also don't have Yahoo Messenger, or whatever. My friends are constantly pestering me to get MSN, though, so I'll probably have that in the (possibly distant) future.

The Cast!

Cody – Webber Torque

Rogue – Wanda Maximoff

Irene Adler – Forge

Logan – Kurt Wagner

Ororo Munroe – Mystique

Professor Charles Xavier – Eric Lensherr

Scott Summers – Bobby Drake

Kurt Wagner – Pietro Maximoff

Kitty Pryde – Rogue

Mystique – Ororo Munroe

Jean Grey – Jubes Lee

DISCLAIMER: "I can handle this. Handle is my middle name! Actually, handle is the middle of my first name."

**Episode III – Rogue Recruit (Part I)**

We open in Mississippi, where there is a school dance going on. Outside, Wanda is leaning against the railing, looking generally angsty. Get used to it. There's gonna be a whole lot more of that.

Webber and his Arbitrary Friend stumble out of the room and onto the veranda where Wanda is. "Body snatcher," the Arbitrary Friend says. "That's the only explanation, man." They both stop when they notice Wanda. "My good buddy Webber is now a pod person," the Arbitrary Friend says. "Gone in an evening from bad to sad, flame to lame. Nurse, he's coded. Personality paddles stat!"

"Oh, come on," Webber says. "I'm just, you know, picking my moment. Taking it slow."

"Webber, I've seen glaciers move faster," the Arbitrary Friend says. "Especially with global warming," he adds. "The point is, there she is. The girl you've been staring at all week. Please tell me you at least know her name."

Webber shrugs.

"You lame-o!" the Arbitrary Friend groans, slapping his forehead.

"Says the boy who still uses the word 'lame-o'?" Webber asks.

"This ends now," the Arbitrary Friend says, and shoves Webber over to where Wanda is.

Wanda turns around. "Can I help you?"

"Uh…dance," Webber says stupidly. "I mean, would you like to? With me, that is. Together?"

The Arbitrary Friend covers his face.

"I'm really just hanging out here," Wanda says, but stops when Webber gets a kicked puppy look on his face. "Why not? After all, where's the harm in one dance?"

"Famous last words," Tabby says.

At Wanda's house, Forge is having a premonition of Wanda rendering Webber unconscious. "No! Don't touch the jive turkey! …Well, I tried. By the way, why am I Irene?"

"Because of the whole Mystique/Destiny thing that was never mentioned in XME," Tabby says. "And Ororo's Mystique, and all."

"…Right," Forge says. "These are trippy sunglasses, though."

Back at the dance, Wanda and Webber are dancing…albeit badly. The Arbitrary Friend notices they're about three feet away from each other. "Get closer, man. Make your move." He shoves Webber over to Wanda – actually, more like on top of her.

"I'm sorry!" Webber says quickly, reaching over and grabbing her by the bare wrist to help her up.

"Oh crap," Webber says right before he passes out.

Wanda, meanwhile, gets flashes of images of Webber's childhood, including a young Webber climbing a tree, a freshie Webber looking at Wanda during lunch in the caf ("STALKER!" Tabby shrieks), and a junior Webber stiff-arming an Arbitrary Football Player out of the way in a game.

"WTF?" Wanda gasps. "WTF is happening to me? WTF am I? WhoTF am I? WhyTF am I censoring myself?" (1)

THE NEW TOTALLY SWITCHED UP X-MEN: EVOLUTION!

At the dance, the Arbitrary Friend is kneeling and trying to shake Webber awake. "Webber? Webber, what's wrong? What did you do to him?" he demands to Wanda.

Wanda turns and runs for the door, but the Arbitrary Friend tries to block her. After getting a quick flashbackish of Webber stiff-arming an Arbitrary Football Dude out of the way, Wanda does the exact same thing with him.

The Arbitrary Friend stares stupidly after her as she runs off. "I thought only Webber had moves like that."

Back at Wanda's house, Forge is on the phone. "That's not what I said, man! I see pathways, probabilities. I predicted what form her mutant powers would take, not when they'd manifest…Yes, I took precautions. The funky skin condition, the way she dressed."

"Oh, is that why I have to wear this?" Wanda asks, glancing at the black long-sleeved meshish top she now wears under her usual tank top.

Tabby nods. "Yeah."

Forge continues. "But she's a teenage girl. I couldn't keep her in isolation…Of course you're coming. I know. And the others, X-Buckethead's team, they're coming, too."

At the Institute, a ninja that looks a helluva lot like Kurt has broken in. "Impressive," Mystique's disembodied voice says. "You got past the automated defenses by using the air vents, but you won't get past me!"

There is a ginormous gust of wind, and the ninja escapes into the ventilation shaft. "Testing me?" Mystique asks more than a little peevishly. "Fine. It's time you remembered why they call me Mystique!"

Ginormous thunderclouds gather in the sky and a cyclone sucks the rain down into the chimney, sending the ninja blasting through the ventilation shaft and bursting through a vent into the Danger Room. "…That doesn't relate to Mystique at all," the ninja points out in a voice that sounds a helluva lot like Kurt.

"Shut up!"

The ninja jumps at her, but is shot back by a freezing blast of water. "Now, that was cold."

"Then let's warm you up," Mystique suggests, and a gun comes out of the wall. The ninja leaps on it, unsheathes his claws, and jams them into the gun.

He gets a major electric shock for all his trouble. Undaunted, he leaps off the gun as it explodes. "Got any other parlor tricks?" As an answer, what looks like a ginormous mixer thingie (ya know, that thing you use to mix dough and flour and stuff) pops out of the ground. The ninja sets out to tear it to shreds when-

"Stop!" Magsy orders. "It is, at the moment, as we can afford, Nightcrawler. And I was afraid the two of you were going to start saying more puns almost as lame as Lance's."

"They already said too many," Rogue said. "Right, Pietro?"

Rogue, Magsy, and Mystique look down at Pietro to see him huddled in the fetal position and slowly rocking back and forth. "Too…many…lame…puns," he mutters to himself.

Kurt takes off the ninja mask. "Hey, when I give a demo, I give a demo."

"Is that demo as in 'demolish' or 'demonstration'?" Bobby asks. "What was the point?"

"The point, young optic-blasting-non-one-eyed-Iceman," Mystique says, "Was to teach you something about finding the weak points in sophisticated security systems."

"That's right, _mein Freund_," Kurt says. "And I'd say ours needs a little work."

"That was tight," Pietro says from where he's hanging upside down by the tail eating popcorn (having recovered from the lame puns in record time – he _is_ Quicksilver, after all). "I give it two thumbs up."

"The vents were pretty easily breached," Kurt says to Mystique as they watch a video recording of Kurt flipping over the alarm trippers. "We'll need to fix that. Maybe electrify them or install poison gas sprayers."

"Nightcrawler," Mystique says warningly.

"Fine, fine," Kurt says. "Knockout gas."

Rogue shivers. "Is it just meh, or is anyone else seriousleh freaked by all this?"

Everyone just gives her a blank stare – except for Pietro, who keeps eating his popcorn. "Oh, raht. It's just meh? Great."

"Relax, Rogue," Pietro says. "You'll be fine. We're right beside you." He ports right next to her, which (unsurprisingly) freaks her out. "Popcorn?" he offers, holding out the popcorn bowl with his tail.

Rogue ignores him. "Look, guys, it's late. If it's no biggie ta y'all, Ah'm just gonna drop out." She sinks through the floor without another word.

Pietro droops. "She's totally not digging the fuzzy man," he says sadly. "Not that I blame her."

"ANGST!" Bobby yells. Everyone stares at him. "Sorry."

"She just needs time, Pietro," Jubes assures him. "She'll come around."

"X-Geeks, we have an emergency," Magsy says, wheeling in. "Bobby, get the Blackbird prepped for launch. And since it's a weekend, assemble the full team."

"Yes, Sir Prof-Man Sir," Bobby says, saluting. "What's the mission?"

"Cerebro has detected a new mutant in Caldecott County, Mississippi," Magsy replies. "My mental impressions from the scene indicate a highly disturbed individual."

"Gee, I wonder why," Mystique says sarcastically.

Magsy ignores her. "Our mutant is a danger to herself and possible others as well. Hey, where'd Bobby go?"

Bobby walks back in, petting a crow with a saddle on its back and a bit and bridle in its mouth. "Blackbird's all set, Prof-Man," he says. "But how are we all gonna fit on it?"

Jubes smacks her forehead. "I'll go prep the Blackbird," she says, and heads off.

"Okay, Bobby, first of all," Mystique explains. "That's a crow. Second of all, when we say Blackbird, we mean the X-Jet."

"Well, why didn't you say so?" Bobby demands, letting the crow fly away.

Kurt deadpans. "No comment."

A few minutes later, the X-Jet flies out of the Secret X-Cave behind the X-Waterfall, with Pietro behind the X-Wheel. "Stealth mode stable," he says. "Leveling off at 10,000 feet."

"Nice job," Bobby says approvingly from the co-pilot seat. "You'll make a pilot yet."

"Awesome!" Pietro says, leaning back and steering with his toes.

"…Or not," Bobby says. "I've logged our flight plan to Jackson with the FAA. Then we'll take the van."

Magsy nods approvingly. "You're getting good at logistics, Bobby," he says.

"Bobby seems so, lahke, together. So cool, and kinda cute," Rogue says to Jubes. "…Wow, nevah thought Ah'd say that."

"Cute?" Jubes asks. "Stiff, maybe. Exacting, not really. But, from a certain angle…"

"He looks lahke he plays for the othah team?" Rogue finishes.

"Yeah," Jubes agrees.

Pietro notices all the attention Bobby's getting, and, since he's such a Don Juan Casanova, gets jealous. "Hey! I _totally_ play for the other team!" he says indignantly (meaning the Brotherhood). "Literally!"

"Pietro," Jubes says. "I don't think you understand exactly what we mean-"

Pietro ports off before Jubes can finish and reappears outside in front of the windshield.

"Actually, Ah think he's got a point there," Rogue says.

Then Pietro loses his balance, tumbles forward, ports into the X-Jet, and keeps on tumbling right into Rogue's lap.

"Okay, EW," Rogue says, shoving him off her.

In Mississippi, Ororo (in Principal Munroe form) is getting out of a plane and climbing into the backseat of a limo.

"You made good time, Ororo," Forge says.

"Our organization's mysterious founder has certain resources, Forge," Ororo says, and morphs back into herself. "What happened! I left the girl in what I thought was your safekeeping."

"At the school dance, her mutant powers manifested, and she accidentally made physical contact with a local boy."

"Absorbing his memories and physical abilities," Ororo finishes. "Wonderful."

"Really?" Forge asks.

"NO!"

"Oh."

"We keep her hidden away in this backwater for the better part of five years, and in five minutes, it all falls apart. We cannot lose her. Especially not to Prof-Magnet. She possesses the potential for limitless power."

"Power corrupts," Forge quips. "Absolute power corrupts absolutely."

Ororo ignores him. "You can see the future, Forge," she says. "Where will she go?"

"Home," Forge says. "Or, what she thinks is home."

Wanda walks up to Webber's house and gets a memoryflash of Webber's dad opening the door. She runs up to the door, feels around on the roof, and grabs the key.

"Oh yeah, no one will see that there," Tabby notes sarcastically. "Great hiding spot for a key. And what happens when it rains?"

Meanwhile, the X-Men (in full X-Geek Spandex™) are waiting in a van outside the Caldecott County Hospital. "Is this really necessary?" Kurt asks.

"Yep," Magsy says. "The boy, Webber, is our key to finding the girl. But he's unconscious, and his mind is elusive. To isolate his memory patterns, I need someone on the inside."

Inside the hospital room, Webber's Arbitrary Friend paces worriedly while Jubes walks in in a nurse outfit. "He'll be okay, right?" the Arbitrary Friend asks. "You'll help him?"

Jubes puts a hand on Webber's forehead. "Yes, we will."

We cut back to Webber's house, where a limo is pulling up. "Now what?" Forge asks. "You won't hurt her, will you? After all, Ororo, she's your-"

"I know, Forge," Ororo cuts him off as the driver opens the door. "Trust me. She'll come to us willingly…" she morphs into Kurt, "given the right incentive."

Inside, Wanda is looking at a scrapbook of Webber's, highlighting his football career. "All this is…me? Mine?" She walks to Webber's dresser. "But which me am I?"

The door bangs open, and Wanda turns to face Kurt. "Who are you?" Wanda demands. "What do you want?"

"You, girlie," Kurt says. "I want you!" He snikts his claws out and jumps at Wanda, crashing into the closet doors when Wanda moves out of the way.

"Stand still and I'll make it quick," Kurt says, getting up. "You're dealing with the X-Men now, and you don't have a chance!"

"X-Men?" Wanda asks. "I don't understand. I just want you to leave me alone!" She picks up a slat of wood and crashes it on Kurt's head, then RLF down the stairs.

Kurt jumps over the railing and morphs into Mystique. "One more turn of the screw and you will come running into my arms."

Further off, Kurt, Rogue, and Pietro are wandering down an alley. "So does this bahte or what?" Rogue says.

"_Herr_-Bucket says the girl's mind is confused and difficult to pinpoint, so keep looking." After checking in a dumpster (that's always a good place to look), he starts sniffing.

"Got a scent?" Pietro asks.

"Yeah," Kurt says. "I smell fear. Hey, cool, I can smell fear!"

Wanda, in the meantime, is still on the run from Mystique. "One well-placed lightning bolt," Mystique says, throwing a hand grenade at Wanda, "One ex-mutant."

Wanda clambers over a fence and narrowly misses the "lightning bolt". She rolls to a stop in front of Forge's feet.

"Wanda, it's me, Forge," Forge says. "Try and remember. We've never met before, because the last episode I was in was two episodes before your first. I'm Forge. I'm from the 70's, but I got trapped in an alternate dimension until Kurt – well, Pietro now, I guess – helped me – well, someone else now – out of it. I'm also spoiling the plot for future episodes. Shutting up now."

Wanda blinks at him. "…You're weird."

"The police are coming," Forge says. "The X-Men won't risk a confrontation."

"The X-Men?" Wanda asks.

"Yes. Mutant hunters," Forge says. "Come on. I have a friend who can help you."

Wanda gets up. "I don't know. Everything's happening so fa-" She stops as she sees Kurt, Rogue, and Pietro running toward them. "Pietro! What are you doing here? …You look weird."

"Weren't you listening?" Forge asks irritably. "I told you Pietro's Kurt, or something like that."

Wanda shrugs, then points at Kurt. "It's him! The one who attacked me! Run, Forge!" She runs off, leaving a glove in Forge's grip.

Kurt and Friends run by after her. "That's gotta be her," Kurt says.

Wanda climbs over a fence. "Leave me alone!"

Pietro ports in front of Kurt. "Nightcrawler, wait! She seems to be terrified by you. Let me try."

"Says the boy who betrayed her," Rogue mutters.

Kurt and Pietro ignore her. "Okay, albino," Kurt says. "Just don't mess up, _capisce_?"

"Yes, sir!" Pietro salutes.

"I'll go find _Herr_-Bucket," Kurt says. "And put on your best face," he adds. "No sense freaking the poor goth out any more than she already is. And keep an eye on the half-pint here," he finishes as Rogue runs by.

"Hey!" Rogue says indignantly.

"Sorry," Kurt says. "But there's too many half-pint jokes to change it."

"No there aren't," Rogue says.

"Really?" Kurt asks. "Oh well, too late now." (2)

……………

(1) – I do tend to censor myself when I'm swearing. I honestly don't know why.

(2) – That would be called The Authoress Is Too Lazy To Check To See If There Really Are Any Half-Pint Jokes. Sorry.


	6. Rogue Recruit Part II

Holy cripples on a stick! I haven't updated in a whole MONTH? Jeez…and ignore the cripples on a stick thing. See, my friend's nickname is Cripple because she spends about half of each school year on crutches due to knee injuries flaring up and tripping down the stairs over her evil cat.

Anyway…sorry I haven't updated in ages. For those of you who are currently sophomores in high school or lower…do not take AP US History when presented with the chance. Seriously. Unless you love history and plan on majoring in it in college or something. And if you do, only take one other AP class, max. Don't be like Peachy Lime. But to make up for the utter lateness of my updating, I've posted Mutant Crush as well.

DISCLAIMER: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "…Chihuahuas have really big ears?"

**Episode III – Rogue Recruit (Part II)**

On the other side of the fence, Wanda is stumbling around a lawn when Pietro ports in neatly on a swing. "Please don't be frightened," Pietro says, porting over to a fountain next to her.

"I don't think I'm the one who should be frightened," Wanda says.

"Hehehe…let bygones be bygones?" Pietro tries. "Whatever happened to the memory alterations Mastermind did?"

Wanda thinks for a moment. "Don't know, don't care. The point is-"

"You're wasting time and you've had plenty of chances to kill him, only you haven't, so it's too late to try anything now," Tabby cuts in. "Problem solved."

Wanda glares at Tabby, who stares serenely back and strokes a pink plastic flamingo-shaped gun newly made by Forge. (1) "What do you want?" she demands to Pietro.

"To help you," Pietro says. "We're the good guys. I was like you once. Alone, unsure of what I was…… then I switched to Geico and saved a bunch of money on my car insurance!" he finishes with a thumbs up and a cheesy smile.

Wanda stares at him with an eyebrow raised. "…Riiiight."

Rogue, meanwhile has phased through the fence. "Half-pint," she mutters. "Ah'll show him. She doesn't look so tough ta meh."

"Yeah, aside from the gothness and the haircut and the outfit and the make-up and the glare-of-death, and did I mention the gothness?" Pietro says.

Outfit aside, Rogue glares at him with her gothness and her haircut and her make-up and her glare-of-death.

"Right," Pietro says. "Have at her."

Rogue tackles Wanda, who uses a wrestling move (à la Webber) to knock her off. Pietro grabs her, and she pounds on his wrist, switching off his image inducer.

Rather than freaking out, Wanda starts laughing. "Whoa, you're fuzzy!" she laughs, and pokes him on the nose.

Of course, that then renders him unconscious. "Oops," Wanda says, and accidentally ports away.

"…Is it just meh, or did that oops sound very fake?" Rogue asks…the air, apparently, since Pietro's unconscious.

"Does it _matter_?" Tabby demands.

"Nah, just wonderin'."

Meanwhile, Wanda has found herself ported into a cemetery. "Whoa, where am I? Hey-man-WTFs-going-on? I can speak _Pietrish_?" She thinks for a minute. "The fuzzy albino. Pietro. I was him, like I was Webber." A lightbulb appears over her head…literally.

"Ray, go back to your plane of nonexistence!" Tabby yells. "And get that lightbulb out of your mouth. YOU ARE NOT UNCLE FESTER!"

Ray pouts, but spits out the lightbulb and slouches off to his plane of nonexistence.

Wanda is taking the opportunity to port all over the cemetery…until the bench she ports on crumbles underneath her out of sheer spite. "Ow!" she yells. "When is this all gonna end?"

Back in That One Backyard Place, Rogue is trying – and failing – to wake Pietro up. "Pietro? Wake the HELL UP! Okay, think. Uh, What Would Tha Invisible Pink Unicorn Do? (2) …Kay, that doesn't help. Um, oh yeah! Tha Prof-Bucket can read mahnds, so he can hear my thoughts."

With Bobby and Co., Magsy has just lost track of Wanda. "The trail went cold," he says grumpily. "I can't read Webber's brainwave patterns."

"But if he's gone…" Jubes says.

"That probably means the effect of transference is temporary," Magsy says. "Now our problem is how to find the girl."

Kurt leaps over the fence. "Try 10 gardens due west," he says. "Pietro's trying to keep her from bolting."

"…Greeeeeeeat," Magsy says. "Then we must-"

'Prof-Bucket! PROF-BUCKET!' Rogue yells in his head.

"OW!" Magsy yells. "That REALLY HURT!" 'Rogue, order your thoughts.'

'It's Pietro,' Rogue mindspeaks. 'She hurt him. She did _somethin'_ ta him. …Whah do Ah care?'

'I don't know,' Magsy replies solemnly.

"Thanks a lot, dad!" Pietro yells sarcastically.

'Yah stay outta this mind-conversation, BOY!'

"Yes, ma'am," Pietro says meekly, and resumes unconsciousness.

"Kurt, it's Quicksilver," Magsy says. "The girl has his mind and abilities."

Kurt growls and unsheathes his claws. "It's all my fault!" he wails angstily. "I never should have left the little albino squirrel in charge!"

Bobby slaps him on the head. "Thanks," Kurt says gratefully. "I needed that." He hops over the fence and runs off.

"…Odd little boy," Magsy says. "Anyway, I'm getting a clear reading now on Pietro's brain-wave patterns. She's getting more focused each time she uses her power…crap. You three go ahead, I'll follow."

"Maybe you should just stay in the Non-X-Van," Jubes suggests.

"No, but I will sit _outside_ the Non-X-Van and steeple my fingers," Magsy says.

"Whatever," Mystique says, and they run off.

In the cemetery, Bobby, Jubes, and Mystique are all arguing over who has to talk to Wanda.

"I don't wanna talk to her! You talk to her!" Bobby hisses.

"I don't wanna talk to her!" Jubes says. "I'm chewing gum! It could get stuck in her hair!"

"Well, I'm not talking to her," Mystique says loftily. She and Bobby look at each other, then at Jubes.

"Stole my gum," Jubes mutters sulkily as she walks over to Wanda. "Like, hi!" she says perkily.

"…Do I know you?" Wanda asks.

"I don't think so," Jubes says. "Since the only time you interacted ginormously with the X-Geeks is when I was chilling in the sewer with Ray, and then my parents made me move back to California, so-"

"You're Jubes, aren't you?" Wanda asks. "Except…you're not chewing gum."

"They took my gum away," Jubes says.

"Oh," Wanda replies, nodding. Then, "Hey! That means you're one of THEM!"

"Hey, hey, hey," Jubes says. "Chill for a sec. If you know who I am, then you know I won't hurt you. Hell, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to."

"True," Wanda agrees.

"Anyway," Jubes says. "Zero pressure, but if you wanna talk, you can reach me anytime on this X-Communicator." She TKs a communicator that looks a helluva lot like the one in the car in X2 over to Wanda.

"WTF?" Wanda says.

"Rogue stole it from the set," Jubes explains.

"But they only parodied the first movie," Wanda says confusedly.

"…What's your point?" Jubes asks. (2)

Bobby and Ororo come over to see what's taking Jubes so long, and Wanda sees Ororo. "OMG, it's YOU!" Wanda shrieks, and runs away.

"I don't get it," Jubes says. "We were connecting and then-"

"Then she saw me," Mystique says. "For some reason, she's afraid of me."

"…You sound so surprised," Bobby says.

Meanwhile, Rogue is still trying to revive Pietro. "Ya know," she says while poking him with a long Slim Jim, "Ah'm not that big on facial hair-"

There is a far-off but distinct "MERDE!" that sounds rather Cajun-ish.

"-But tha pointeh ears are startin' ta work foah meh," Rogue finishes.

Nothing happens.

"Oh well, Ah tried," Rogue says lazily and continues eating the Slim Jim. (4)

We find Wanda huddled in a mausoleum when Bobby drops in through a hole. "Thought you could escape us, did you?" he asks. "The X-Geeks don't leave loose ends." He walks over to Wanda and shoves over a large stone…vase…threateningly.

"Oh my god," Wanda says dully. "You broke a vase." Nonetheless, she runs out of the mausoleum…and right into Bobby. Before he can even say WTFman, she shoves him over, where he accidentally blasts a telephone pole. Greeeat.

Wanda runs back into the mausoleum, where she comes face to face with Jubes. "I tried, I really did," Jubes says angrily. "But some people just won't be helped!" She holds a hand out at her, and Wanda freaks and ports away…

…To end up fifty feet above the ground. She ports to three feet above the ground and lands in a heap. "OW!"

Jubes runs over. "Are you hurt?" she asks. "Lie still. Don't try to move."

Wanda freaks and backs up into Mystique. "Child, what is it?" she asks.

"YOU'RE my mom?" Wanda demands.

"No, of course not," Mystique says.

"THANK GOD!"

"We are your friends," Mystique continues, reaching for her. Wanda grabs her instead by her bare forearm, and zappy zappy! Mystique gets hurled back into a watery ditch while Wanda rises into the worsening weather.

"Oh crap," Bobby says. "The power lines! If they hit the water, Mystique'll be fried! …Wait, that's not such a bad thing."

"We need her later," Jubes says reluctantly.

Bobby jumps into the watery ditch, wading across to the other side. "You know," Jubes says as she TKs them out of the water, "You coulda just ran around to the other side."

"…Well, you know what?" Bobby demands. "Uh…YEAH!" (5)

Jubes keeps them TK'd in the air. "I can't keep us up for long," she warns.

"So we could drop suddenly into that pool of water with the power lines at any given moment?" Bobby asks.

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Good to know."

Meanwhile, Wanda is freaking out. "Too much power," she gasps. "Must…stop…sounding…like…Jean…" She screams and ports away, and the storm clears in record time.

Jubes lowers them to the ground as Magsy wheels up, followed by Kurt (who's carrying Pietro).

"What happened to Wanda?" Bobby asks.

"You're not supposed to know her name," Tabby points out.

"Shut it."

"She's gone," Magsy says. "Her mind is a jumble. But I strongly suspect the hand of another at work here."

Kurt sniffs the air. "Ororo," he mutters. "She can change her body, but not her scent."

"Then we have ta go aftah her!" Rogue says.

"There's been enough damage done today," Magsy says. "And the girl must come of her own free will or not at all. And we must first tend to our own."

Said "own" miraculously come to at the exact same time while Magsy steeples his fingers. Oh yeah, that's tending to them, all right.

Pietro tumbles out of Kurt's arms and glances around. "Looks like I missed quite a party," he comments, before noticing Rogue's overly hyper expression. "GAH!"

"Pietro, yoah alraht!" Rogue squeals.

"OH GOD!" Pietro screams as Rogue glomps him. "Okay, WHAT happened to her?"

"Easy, ya fuzzy elf," Rogue assures him. "Everything is gonna be just fahne."

Pietro glances in confusion at Bobby, who mouths, "Fuzzy elf?"

Kurt takes the opportunity to point and laugh at him. "HA! WHO'S THE ELF NOW, BIYATCH!"

Back at the hospital, Webber's finally awake again. His Arbitrary Friend throws a football at him. "Whatever this was, try to shake it off quick, okay?" he asks. "The game against Jackson is next week and the last thing we need is Stevens taking your position."

"I get knocked out by a weird girl I like," Webber says, "And when I finally wake up, ALL YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IS FOOTBALL???"

A few days (or weeks, or whatevers) later, Wanda is being welcomed to Bayville High.

"Welcome to Bayville High," Ororo says. "I'm sure you'll be very happy here. Happy…and SAFE."

"Um, sure," Wanda says. "Thanks." She stands up and walks out the door.

Xavier fades out of the shadows and plays with the paper clips (magnetically, so it doesn't look as stupid as it sounds…sort of). "She is a fine addition to our side," he states, and begins to steeple his fingers.

Ororo reaches over and slaps his hands. "Stop that! We were lucky to get to her first."

Xavier glares at her, but drops his hands. "Indeed. You are certain any residual memories of the true X-Geeks have faded?"

"Positive," Ororo insists.

Meanwhile, outside the office, Wanda stops and looks at the communicator in her hand, then sighs and stares up at the ceiling dramatically.

"…Can I go now?" she asks five minutes later.

"Huh?" Tabby asks from where she's been sleeping. "Oh, yeah, go ahead."

……………

(1) – In my AP English class, we recently had to analyze an essay about the plastic pink flamingo's rise to popularity in American culture. My class is now convinced that our teacher should bring in a plastic pink flamingo to be our mascot. Oh, and don't ask me what the gun does. Probably something harmful, definitely something ridiculous.

(2) – The Invisible Pink Unicorn, or the IPU, is an atheistic deity who is both Invisible AND Pink. Don't ask how that works. Suspended belief, I suppose.

(3) – You all know what the X2 communicator looks like, right? I don't think they had them in X3…can't be bothered to remember. By the by, I will be parodying those movies sometime in the future, as I have yet to find my LK and S2 DVDs. Plus, I wanna torture Logan in those movies. And Bobby and Rogue. Oh, and Kurt, of course.

(4) – Ahhh, I used to love those. So much processed meat that's a heart attack waiting to happen. I can still handle them in small doses, but those long ones…I can practically feel my arteries sealing up.

(5) – One of my friends makes the worst comebacks ever. That's one of her more commonly used ones. But then again, she is about as ghetto as a pocket protector. Oh, and it's a new running gag. Bobby sucks at comebacks.

Up next: we meet our new, not-insanely-huge-yet-insanely-strong-and-still-not-insanely-bright Freddie! Click on!


	7. Mutant Crush Part I

Oh, by the way, Alex isn't ginormously huge like Fred. He's just…really strong. And is accident-prone. And breaks things easily.

Before you get a migraine over the physical changes to characters…they usually don't happen. But there are exceptions, like Buckethead needs to be in a wheelchair, and Pietro needs fur and a and the fingers and the toes tail to add to the general angstiness. But like, whoever plays Angel will obviously need to sprout wings, but Angel can keep his. Confusing? Probably. Sorry!

The Cast!

Fred Dukes – Alex Masters

Mystique – Ororo Munroe

Jean Grey – Jubes Lee

Logan – Kurt Wagner

Duncan Matthews – Paul WTFshislastname

Scott Summers – Bobby Drake

Rogue – Wanda Maximoff

Paul WTFshislastname – Edward Kelly

(No, seriously. Does Paul have a last name?)

Kitty Pryde – Rogue

Kurt Wagner – Pietro Maximoff

Taryn Fujioka – Dani Moonstar

Professor Charles Xavier – Eric Lensherr

DISCLAIMER: "Mom, where's the conditioner?" "Next to the shampoo." "Where's the shampoo." "Next to the soap." "…Where's the soap?"

**Episode IV – Mutant Crush (Part I)**

We open in a monster truck arena in Texas, where a monster truck has just finished crushing (literally) its opponents. "And now," the Arbitrary Announcer, er, announces, "The main attraction of the evening. Let's give it up for the world's strongest teenager…Alex "Havok" Masters!"

Alex walks up in a cape and throws it off dramatically, smirking at the camera. "I have Evan as my best friend," he says sadly. "That's depressing."

"You get to watch him get repeatedly heX-bolted by…some person in later episodes," Tabby says helpfully.

Alex brightens. "That helps…a little." He grabs the chains attached to the ends of two monster trucks on either side of him and braces himself as the trucks rev up.

"Alright, Alex," the Arbitrary Announcer says, "Let's show 'em what you got!"

Ororo watches through a pair of hi-tech binoculars as the trucks attempt to move forward, but instead pop a wheelie as Alex pulls them up.

Alex jumps up, forcing the trucks to back up into each other, and lands on their bumpers, hitting a hey-I'm-cool pose. The crowd cheers like insanity until he bows, overbalances, and falls flat on his face. Then the crowd, like all cruel biyatches in high school, starts laughing.

Well, except for Jubes and Kurt, who are extremely undercover in cowboy regalia (ie, cowboy hats and leather jackets with the cowboy fringe). "Wow," Jubes says. "He's strong."

"Abnormally so," Kurt agrees. (1)

Later, Alex is trashing his room (tearing posters, tossing lockers, making holes in walls with his fists…trivial stuff, really) when Ororo opens the door. "Something wrong?" she asks.

"Yeah," Alex says. "I'm stuck being friends with Evan."

Ororo rolls her eyes. "Besides that."

"Oh, um, yeah. These small-town hicks. They've laughed at me for the last time, bro. I'm getting outta here for good."

"That could be arranged," Ororo says. "In fact, I know somewhere where your talents would be truly appreciated."

"Dude, if you're from the circus-" Alex begins.

"Oh, no," Ororo assures him. "I have something far more interesting in mind. Care to hear more?"

"…Are you, like, trying to seduce me?" Alex asks. (2)

"Okay, ew," Ororo says. "No. Not in a million years."

"Good," Alex says. "Then I'll totally hear more!"

Kurt and Jubes walk down the hall to Alex's room…a little too late. Kurt glances in to see Ororo grinning viciously at them before Alex shuts the door (because Alex totally couldn't see Kurt and Jubes standing there. Really).

THE NEW TOTALLY SWITCED UP X-MEN: EVOLUTION!

"…And this will be your schedule for the semester," Ororo finishes explaining school stuff to Alex. "Any other questions, Mr. Masters?"

"I don't know if I can do school again," Alex says doubtfully. "I ran into so many barneys and hodaddys at my old school-"

"You won't have that trouble here," Ororo assures him.

"Do you have any idea what Alex is talking about?" Tabby stagewhispers to Roberto.

"No," Roberto stagewhispers back. "Why am I here?"

"I don't know," Tabby stagewhispers. "Who here's fluent in surfer speak?"

"I don't know," Roberto stagewhispers. "Can I go now?"

"Sure," Tabby stagewhispers, and Roberto walks off to his plane of nonexistence.

"By the way, I have no clue what Alex is saying, either," Ororo stagewhispers to Tabby.

Alex walks out of the office, reading his schedule. "…I don't get this!" he exclaims. "This weeps!" He notices Paul walking by, and grabs him by the letterman jacket. "Hey!" He holds the Paul up to the schedule. "Where am I supposed to be?"

Paul takes in Alex's attire (white tank, open Hawaiian flower-print vest, baggy blue shorts, sandals). "Hawaii?" he tries.

"No!" Alex says.

"Oh, sorry," Paul says, and tries to re-identify Alex's clothing. "…Castro?" (3)

Alex glares and throws Paul a good ten feet away. "Don't you make fun of me!" he yells, yanking up an entire section of lockers and advancing on Paul.

Jubes, walking out of a classroom, notices. "Uh, hi!" she calls hastily. "You must be new here." Alex turns around to see a cheerful Asian girl in a yellow jacket. "Hi. I'm Jubilation Lee, but please don't call me that."

"Hi," Alex grins sheepishly. (Paul takes the opportunity to run for it.) "I am. New here, I mean. Feel like such a hodad."

Jubes smiles and nods (she has no clue what he's talking about). "Welcome to Bayville," she says as Alex puts the lockers back. "So, what do you friends call you?"

"Dunno. I never had any friends," Alex admits. "But my name's Alex. Alex Masters."

"Well, Alex, I want to apologize for Paul," Jubes says, shaking his hand. "He can be a real idiot sometimes. Hey, did you need any help figuring this out?" Jubes asks, picking up the schedule.

"Yeah, please," Alex says.

"Okay," Jubes says, reading the schedule. "Your first class is right over there." She points.

"Thanks!"

"Don't worry about it," Jubes insists. "The first day's always the roughest. It gets better. I'll see you around." She waves as she walks off.

Alex smiles after her dreamily. "You sure will."

Meanwhile, Bobby's English class (or literature or whatever), they'll each be doing a scene with a partner for this drama exercise.

"You'll each be doing a scene with a partner for this drama exercise," the Arbitrary Teacher explains boredly while passing around books. "Since a few of you haven't chosen partners, I'll be pairing you up myself. Dani-"

"TARYN?" Dani demands. "I'm TARYN?"

"You get more screen time than you originally did," Tabby points out.

"True," Dani says thoughtfully.

The Arbitrary Teacher continues. "You and Edward will do Laura and Jim from _The Glass Menagerie_. And that leaves you," He plunks a book down on Wanda's desk, "And you." He plunks the last one down on Bobby's.

"Hm," Tabby says. "I'd forgotten about that hitch. Oh well!"

"You two will be doing Shakespeare's _Henry V_," the Arbitrary Teacher says. "I've marked it. Henry and Katherine, daughter of the French King."

"Lots of luck, Bobby," Edward says. "I don't think Miss Not-So-Small, Dark, and Sullen has ever said two words. You'll have to play both parts yourself."

"I would pay to see that," Tabby says. "Actually, I'd sneak in. The point is, I'd like to see that."

"So go get with your partner and rehearse," the Arbitrary Teacher finishes, flapping a hand at them. "You perform on Tuesday."

Bobby turns to face Wanda. "Hey, you okay with this?"

"I'm not afraid of you," Wanda glares.

"I didn't say you should be," Bobby says, slightly confused.

Wanda scoffs. "Just tell your weirdo friends to keep their distance this time."

"Oh, yeah, she likes you," Edward says sarcastically. "She's just playing hard to get."

"You know what, Paul?" Bobby snaps. "……………Yeah!"

Later, Alex walks into the cafeteria and loads his entire tray with food.

"Is that surfer boy tha one yah and Kurt went to see on Saturday?" she asks Jubes.

"Yeah, Alex," Jubes says. "He's okay, when he's not ripping lockers off the wall or speaking in weird surfer tongues."

Rogue wrinkles her nose at Alex's tray. "Doesn' he know those things _nevah_ get washed?"

Pietro, meanwhile, is laughing at Bobby's pairing. "You and the Witch? Now that is a strange combination, huh?"

"Yeah," Bobby says unhappily. "I gotta play a romantic scene with a girl who thinks we tried to kill her. Man, she's gotta be some kind of actress."

"Man, you gotta invite me to the rehearsals," Pietro says.

"She'd probably heX-bolt you into a tree," Bobby points out. "Hey, you gonna eat that pudding?"

Pietro starts cracking up.

Rogue leans over to Jubes. "Whah is he laughin'?"

"Pudding!" Pietro gasps. "He said pud…and ding!" (4)

They all blink at him before scooting their chairs a little further away.

Alex, meanwhile, has found an abandoned table with various trays and half-eaten food left on it. Unfortunately, as he sits, his butt manages to miss the chair entirely and his foot knocks over the table leg, sending the half-eaten food flying at one Paul WTFshislastname's head.

There's a collective silence as Paul stands up, wiping some of the food off his face (the rest just stays there, completely defying gravity). "Bad move, Castro," he says, and he and two other Arbitrary Goons advance on poor Alex.

Jubes stands up. "Stay here, Rogue. This could get messy."

"Yeah," Rogue says. "Because that hasn' alreadeh happened."

Alex tries to stand up, but his foot slips in the medley mush of food, and he falls right back down on his chin. The crowd, being the poor mindless high schoolers that they are, immediately start laughing. That is, until Alex loses it.

"DON'T YOU SPEED BUMPS LAUGH AT ME!"

The cafeteria goes silent for two different reasons. One: fear of Alex. Two: confusion over being called a speed bump.

Then Alex grabs a hamburger and hurls it at Paul. Usually, this is where a totally cool and fun food fight would instigate. However, due to the fact that said hamburger knocks Paul off his feet and onto his back, most people do the smart thing and head for the hills. Or, you know, the nearest exit.

Jubes gets up and runs toward Alex, setting up TK shields for the food. "Alex, cut it out!" Then, just as Alex _really_ loses it and starts swinging around a table by the leg, her foot slips in a pile of mush and she lands flat on her ass, sliding gracefully to a stop.

Right where Alex's table will most likely land.

Tabby claps her hands to her face Macaulay Culkin-style. "Omigosh, the suspense is killing me!" She drops her hands and turns to Kitty. "Hey, did you know Haley Joel Osment got arrested for drunk driving?"

Kitty gasps overdramatically. "Like, NO WAY!"

"Way," Tabby nods sagely. "It's tragic, what young actors are doing these days."

"Uh, hello?" Jubes yells. "I'm lying on a dirty cafeteria floor, here!"

"Oh, right."

A red optic blast smashes the table in Alex's hand, leaving him with only the leg. "Huh? Jubes?"

"You heard her, surfer dude," Bobby says in what he probably thinks is a hero-to-the-rescue-exclamation-point voice. His shades even do that hero-to-the-rescue-exclamation-point sheen. "But if you wanna fight, try me."

Jubes pushes Bobby away from her. "Back off, Bobby. I'll handle this. Everything's fine. Right, Alex?"

Alex puts the table leg down. "They shouldn't have laughed at me!"

"No, they shouldn't have," Jubes agrees. "Uh, Bobby, don't you have to get to class or something?"

"What are you talking about?" Bobby asks. "There's still half an hour of lunch le-"

Jubes silences him with a GLARE.

"Okay, okay, I gotta 'go' to 'class'," Bobby says, doing the quotey-finger thing. "But I'll be close if you need me," he says in his Drake-Bobby-Drake (5) voice. "Real. Close." Drake-Bobby-Drake shades sheen.

Jubes and Alex look at him oddly. "You…go do that," Jubes says.

Wanda watches through the glass door, then runs over to her locker and opens it as Bobby walks through the door. "Wow. You really look out for each other, don't you?"

"Yeah," Bobby says. "Yeah, we watch each others backs. Yesterday, Pietro's back got punched twice by Rogue's fist when he made some wisecrack about her hair." (6)

Wanda blinks. "O-kay…"

Ororo slams Wanda's locker shut. "What's going on here?"

"Nothing," Wanda says quickly.

"We were just talking, Principal Munroe," Bobby says.

"Then you had best stop your talking and get to class," Ororo says.

"Dude, there's still like twenty minutes le-"

Ororo silences him with a GLARE.

"Would people stop doing that??"

Back inside the caf, Jubes and Alex are having a tête-à-tête. "It's just when they laugh at me, I just wig out, you know?" Alex says.

"I understand, Alex," Jubes says, "But you've gotta learn to control yourself. You can get training."

"Yeah, right. Where?" Alex asks suspiciously.

"I learned to control my 'gifts' at the institute where I live," Jubes says (quotey-fingers and all).

"You mean, you've got powers to?" Alex asks.

Jubes nods and sends a chair smashing into a wall. "Whoa, cool!" Alex exclaims. "You can really pound people with that!"

"No, that's what we learn _not_ to do," Jubes says.

"And yet you demonstrate by smashing a chair," Tabby puts in. "Riiiight."

Jubes ignores her. "That's what the Xavier Institute is all about. Control. I'd love to take you sometime. I know the professor would like to meet you."

"Not really!" Magsy yells from where he is sitting surrounded by spoons.

Jubes and Alex blink at him. "Well, I've gotta run," Jubes says. "Catch ya later."

After Jubes leaves, Alex notices her abandoned backpack. More importantly, he notices the photo stuck in the front pocket of her and Bobby. He rips the photo down the middle and drops Bobby's half on the floor, crumpling it beneath his sandal.

……………

(1) – Have any of you seen the TV show Hercules based off the Disney movie? (Kind of like Emperor's New School, except I refuse to watch ENS…no David Spade). It used to show on Toon Disney. I dunno about anymore. Anyway, in one of the eps, after Herc does something cool, Cassandra's like, "Wow. Herc's strong." And Icarus is like, "Abnormally so."

(2) – Dude, it totally looked like she was trying to seduce him or something. I was getting seriously weirded out.

(3) – That's like, the gay mecca of San Francisco. I know what you're thinking…the whole place is gay. Well, that's where it's like, REALLY gay.

(4) – Cosmo from **Fairly Odd Parents**. I love Cosmo.

(5) – Bobby's version of Bond. James Bond. If you don't know who that is…wow. WOW. If Scott!Bobby does any more funny looks/lines/shade sheens, then I'll make up names for them as we go along.

(6) – Inspired by **Men In Tights**. "Watch my back!" "Your back just got punched twice."

Alright, here's a glossary of all Alex's Surfer Lingo:

Barney – someone not too skilled at surfing.

Hodaddy – poser surfer.

Weeps – sucks; something really lame.

Hodad – a beginner; pretty much same as a barney.

Speed Bump – a kook that gets in the way of surfers, cannot duck dive, and ends up getting run over or sprayed.


	8. Mutant Crush Part II

DISCLAIMER: "Don't speak. Your eyes speak for you." "I wish they would shut up!"

**Episode IV – Mutant Crush (Part II)**

We open a day (or two, who knows) later, where Alex is hiding behind the bushes on the front of the school.

Dani and Jubes walk out. "Like, there goes my weekend!" Dani complains. "I can't believe how much homework I've got."

"Yeah, me too," Jubes says. "I thought senior year's supposed to be a breeze!"

Alex jumps out from behind the bushes, scaring Dani more than a little. Jubes, however, is apparently used to blond boys in beach regalia bounding out from behind bushes, since all she says is, "Oh, hi Alex," in the same tone one says, "Oh, Harry Potter's angsting again," or, "Oh, Frodo dropped his sword again," or, "Oh, Anakin lost another limb again."

"Jubes," Alex says, "Would you-? I mean, would you like to-? Wanna get a soda or something?"

"Oh, sorry Fred, I can't," Jubes says the way people say, "Sorry, Harry, I don't have time to listen to you yell about not wanting to be human right now." "I've got some stuff I gotta do." She and Dani start walking off. "Hey, how about I catch up with you tomorrow?"

Alex glares at her back. "'Stuff,' huh?" he repeats (quotey-fingers and all). "That's the best you could come up with? Stuff?"

Jubes and Dani stop walking. "Uh, Dani, you better go on without me. I'll catch up with you later."

"You gonna be okay?" Dani asks.

"Yeah," Jubes says. She turns to Alex (who is advancing on her the way Sam advanced up the stairs of Barad-dûr to fight the Orcs). "Look, Alex. I like you and all. But I have responsibilities, and that means I can't go with you right now."

"But you're _my_ friend," Alex says, grabbing her wrist.

"I thought so," Jubes says, trying to pull away. "But friends don't hurt each other. Unless they're, like, sadists or something." She snaps her gum. "Now let go of me!"

"Well, just let me talk to you for a second," Alex says, dragging her off, "In private."

"I said, let go of me!" Jubes finally manages to pry his hand off her wrist…right under a construction site with a lot of bricks. Nice location for a private talkie, Alex. "I have to go home."

"You can't," Alex insists. "You gotta go out with me!"

"I don't have to go anywhere but home," Jubes counters, and turns to walk off…until Alex grabs her by the arms.

"'Kay, am I the only one who thinks Alex's gone more than a little psycho?" Tabby asks.

Kurt munches on popcorn. "That, or he's developed an unhealthy obsession with Jubes."

"Probably has a shrine of her or something in his room where he sacrifices bits of sand and dried kelp from the beach to her image," Bobby adds, taking some popcorn.

"Let me go!" Jubes yells. "I'm warning you!"

"Or what, you'll kick me in the shin?" Alex asks.

Jubes does. "Ow!" Alex lets of Jubes's left arm to rub the offended spot. "Now what, are you gonna dig your nails into my hand?" Jubes does. "Ow!" Alex yells, but doesn't let go of her hand. "What, you gonna spit your gum out into my eye now?"

Jubes does, in fact, spit her gum out into Alex's eye. "OW!"

"Dude, you gotta stop giving her ideas," Pietro says, eating more popcorn.

"I just hope she doesn't kick me in the – OW!" Alex doubles over, knees knocked together. "I didn't say anything!"

"It doesn't take a genius to know where a guy's weak spot is," Jubes says. "I mean, did you see Battle Royale? She just stabbed the guy in the-" (1)

"WE DON'T WANNA HEAR IT!!!!" Alex, Kurt, Bobby, and Pietro yell in unison.

Tabby rolls her eyes at them. "Sissies."

Anyway, Jubes goes wild with her TK, sending a dumpster flying at Alex. He successfully knocks it back – right into the bottom of the construction site.

"Nice aim," Tabby comments.

"Shut up!" is all Alex can say before the whole thing comes crashing down on him and Jubes.

When the dust finally clears (and subsequently blows over to Kurt, Bobby, and Pietro, choking them), Alex straightens up to discover that Jubes has a bruise on her forehead and is (for the most part) unconscious. After glancing around to make sure no one saw that, he scuttles off.

"…How could no one have seen that?" Tabby asks while Kurt, Bobby, and Pietro cough and hack next to her (the dust doesn't affect her, having Absolute Power and all). "I mean, it caused a helluva lotta noise and all."

Jubes comes to (however long) later and sees a place setting (and a whole lotta candles) on a table in front of her. "Wakey, wakey, Sleeping Beauty," Alex says happily. "Your table's ready!"

"Wait!" Jubes says, glancing warily at the candles. "Is John anywhere near here?"

"Lemme find out," Tabby says, then cups her hands around her mouth. "JOHN!"

Nothing happens, except Kurt, Bobby, and Pietro stumble around with their hands (belatedly) clasped to their ears, having potentially suffered hearing damage.

"Nope, must be on his plane of nonexistence," Tabby says cheerfully.

"Okay," Jubes says, then proceeds to struggle out of the rope tying her to her chair.

"…Am I the only one sensing some major B&D here?" Pietro asks.

"Don't be ridiculous," Tabby scoffs. "There'd be a whip."

"This can't be happening," Jubes moans. "I've been kidnapped by a crazy surfer dude." She goes into totally-obvious-psychic mode. 'Prof-Man, I need help. GET ME THE –mindcensored- OUT OF HERE!'

Back at the 'stute, Rogue and Pietro are playing Keep Away (or whatever you call it) while Magsy and Kurt (randomly in a karate gi) watch. "That's it, half-pint," Kurt says. "Keep the ball away from the ELF."

Pietro pauses in chasing Rogue to glare at Kurt. "You're gonna rub this in every chance you get, aren't you?" he asks.

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Kurt yells, then continues. "You gotta concentrate or-"

Rogue phases through a tree, then runs smack into a branch, falling over and dropping the football.

Pietro ports over grabs it. "It's mine now, Rogue!"

"Gimme that!"

Pietro ports away to a very thin branch. "Watch where you're porting!" Kurt yells, before the branch breaks and Pietro falls. Rogue jumps through him, grabbing the ball.

Kurt groans and slaps his forehead. "What kind of move is that?"

"Innovation," Magsy supplies. "Adaptation. It's what they're here to learn…besides how to kick ass in spandex. GAHH!" He yells as he gets Jubes's mind-call. 'Jubes, stay calm. We'll find you.' "She's been kidnapped," he explains to Kurt.

Kurt launches into let's-get-down-to-business mode. "You, ELF, get Iceman. I gotta ride." Two seconds later, geared up in X-Geek Spandex™, he hops on his motorcycle and drives off.

Bobby, meanwhile, is rehearsing with Wanda. "Do you like me, Kate?"

"_Pardonnez-moi?_" Wanda reads. "I cannot tell what is 'like me.'"

"An angel is like you, Kate," Bobby reads, doing a retarded hand gesture. "And you are like an angel."

Wanda laughs. "The girls are right."

"That I'm a charmer?" Bobby preens.

"No, that from a certain angle you look like you play for the other team," Wanda says.

Bobby pouts (which doesn't help. In fact, it makes it worse). "Look, I'm just reading the lines, okay?"

"Uh-huh," Wanda says sarcastically, before switching moods and going into angst mode with a melodramatic sigh. "But sometimes, I wish…"

"Yeah? Wish what?" Bobby asks.

"Wish…I could get close to somebody," Wanda says. "But you know what happens when I do."

Bobby nods sympathetically. "Toad hops in the middle."

One bamf later, Pietro appears on the table they're sitting at in full X-Geek Spandex™. "Whoa! Tender moment here? Sorry to interrupt."

Wanda rolls her eyes. "I swear, he's like an annoying little brother."

"What's the problem?" Bobby asks while Pietro sticks his tongue out at Wanda.

"Jubes's been nabbed," Pietro says.

Bobby flips. "WHAT?!" he yells, grabbing Pietro by the spandex.

"Hey, don't kill the messenger!" Pietro says. "Kurt's on the scent. But I'm supposed to collect you."

Bobby pounds the table (angsty-loverboy sheen). "Havok. If he's hurt her, I'll-" He stops, noticing Wanda turned away. "You know anything about this?"

"No," Wanda says, insulted. "And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you."

"Then I hope you can live with your conscience," Bobby says, then places a hand on Pietro's shoulder. "Teleporter to maximum, Maximoff."

Pietro salutes. "Aye, captain."

"Engage." And they port off.

Wanda shakes her head. "And he wonders why people talk."

Back at the 'stute, Bobby, Pietro, and Rogue stand in front of Magsy. "I've been in mental contact with Jubes," Magsy says. "But she has no idea where she is. All I can tell is that she and Havok are somewhere in this area." He points at a blinking circle on the screen.

"Then let's move," Bobby says (Captain-S visor-sheen).

Meanwhile, Alex is still loco. "This is gonna be the best night you've ever had!" he says excitedly. "Dinner, dancing-"

"Alex, this is all wrong," Jubes says. "You can't force someone to like you."

"Why not?" Alex asks. "I'm stronger than everyone. And I _rip_ at surfing!"

"Being nice…and not talking about surfing so much…usually works better," Jubes says.

"Oh, yeah!" Alex says. "I just remembered I've got a surprise for you." He disappears into another room.

Jubes rolls her eyes. "If it's a surfboard…"

Outside, Kurt pulls up, sniffs the air, and grins evilly. "I found 'em," he says into his X-Communicator. "They're at the old ironworks at the south end. I'm going in."

"Kurt, wait for backup," Magsy orders. Kurt shuts off the X-Communicator and heads in.

"Nightcrawler has the location," Magsy says to Pietro and Rogue (in the X-Van) and Bobby (in the X-Convertible). "I'm transmitting the coordinates."

"Got it, Prof-Man," Bobby says, pulling a U-turn. "Be there in three."

Back inside, Alex is carrying his surprise for Jubes – not a surfboard, but an ancient record player…somehow with the soundtrack of Johnny Tsunami on it in vinyl (go figure). (2)

However, Kurt takes that moment to barge in. Alex tosses him (and the record player) into the wall, but Kurt stands up again right away (of course). Alex picks up an even bigger…thing…and throws it at Kurt (who mysteriously reappears on the rafters). After more fighting, Alex finally pins Kurt. "Jubes's my friend," he says. "You can't take her!"

(During this time, Jean is trying to use her TK to get herself free. Just thought you should know she's not sitting there idly like a total DID.)

Bobby blows the door open. "We're just giving her a way out," he says in his hero-to-the-rescue-exclamation-point voice. "Through you, if necessary." There is no hero-to-the-rescue-exclamation-point sheen, since Bobby sends an optic blast at him.

Alex blocks it and tosses Kurt at him, sending them both flying back into Kurt's motorcycle and knocking Bobby's visor off (and both of them out).

A pair of shoes appear next to Bobby's visor. Then a hand touches Bobby's face, and zappy zappy! (This has no effect on Bobby, since he's pretty much out for the count.)

Alex opens the door to Jubes's room – to get smacked in the face by a tin cabinet (à la Jubes's TK). He grabs the cabinet and holds it over his head. "Nobody respects me!" he yells. "And you're the worst! You pretended to be my friend!" He hurls the cabinet at her, but she blocks it with her TK and lowers it to the ground.

Alex goes and grabs and even larger…thing…to throw at Jubes, but stops when he feels an optic blast on the back of his neck, shocking him into dropping the…thing. He shoves the…thing…aside to see Wanda with glowing red eyes.

"Hey, that looks pretty cool," Tabby says.

"Thanks," Wanda grins, then proceeds to yell at Alex. "Leave her alone!"

"What are you gonna do to me?" Alex demands. "Steal my powers, then use Bobby's to blast me through the roof and into a garbage dump?"

Wanda grins, walking toward him. "Didn't Ororo tell you what my power is?" she asks.

"No," Alex says. "Because I don't care."

Wanda ducks a swing from him and grabs his arm with her bare hand. "My power is your power, and I can take more than one!" She kicks him in the air and blasts him across the room into a pile of junk.

Alex bursts out of the pile of junk. "I have too much power, even for you!" he yells. "You can't hurt me! I'm…" He pauses for effect. "Havok!"

"…That's not too impressive," Wanda says. "And you're just garbage that wanted a date. Now, I'm taking you out!" She shudders for a moment. "Ugh, that sounds so lame." Alex leaps at her, and Wanda uses Bobby's powers to blast him through the roof and into a garbage dump.

Alex rubs his head. "Damn. I really gotta stop giving these chicks ideas."

Back at…that…place…Wanda puts Bobby's visor back on for him. "There you go," she says. "I only took a short-term dose of your power. You should be back to normal soon."

Bobby shakes his head. "You are like an angel, Kate."

"My name's not Kate," Wanda says. "And I'm no angel."

"But you helped us," Jean counters. "Why?"

"I don't know," Wanda says in a fit of angst ("Not again," Bobby groans). "I just don't know!" She runs off.

"Hey, wait!" Jubes starts after her, but Kurt grabs her wrist. "Easy, Yellow. Let her go."

"But she-" Jubes protests.

"She isn't ready," Kurt says. "Trust me on this. There's a lot more angst before that happens."

"Okay," Rogue says. "So maybe she's part of tha dark icky sahde. But Ah figure we lahke, totally owe her now. …Ew. Ah just said lahke, totally."

"Yeah," Bobby agrees. "Yeah, we do. Big time." He places his hand on Jubes's shoulder, and she gazes up adoringly at him.

"…JUST KISS HER ALREADY!" Pietro yells.

Everyone stares quizzically at him. "What?" Pietro demands. "They've got unresolved sexual tension! …Plus, I don't do good with silences."

Tabby sighs. "Up next, we meet our Evan and our Pietro!"

"How are they rahvals?" Rogue asks.

"Yeah, they've never even met," Kurt says.

"Wait, he might have been around when…" Bobby says, thinking. "Was he?"

Jubes shrugs and snaps her gum.

"Where did you get gum?" Bobby demands.

"…Internet." (3)

……………

(1) – She did, man. She did. If you don't understand just where she stabbed the guy, allow me to explain (squeamish people – boys in particular, since it pertains to your anatomy – scroll on by, please). The girl (Takako Chigusa, played by Chiaki Kuriyama) stabbed the guy (Kazushi Niida, played by Hirohito Honda) in the balls. In the book, she crushed them underneath her foot. Painful either way, really. Except in the book, she gouged out his eyes first.

(2) – **Johnny Tsunami** is an old Disney Channel movie. I don't think it has a soundtrack, and if it does, it's definitely not on vinyl. But it has to do with surfing, and Alex loves his surfing.

(3) – If I must…**Fairly Odd Parents**.

Alex's Surfer Lingo:

Rip – to surf to the best of one's ability.

Thassall for now! Up next: our new Evan and Pietro, who you can guess fairly easily if you read the opening credits. Hopefully, I'll get it up soon. Ciao!


End file.
